Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Menopausal Stoners World Headquarters to Remain in NYC

The Universe has spoken: Menopausal Stoners World Headquarters will weather out the economic clusterfuck on Central Park West. Not because of real estate market conditions directly but because my next door neighbor, who has almost exactly the same apartment as I do, listed her dang unit a couple of weeks ago at less than Buzz Kill and I want to get for this one.

Simultaneously, Velvet has been admitted into New York State's premier university: SUNY Binghamton. Binghamton has worked very hard to compete with the Ivy League, and if you can believe all the press, has accomplished that mission. Velvet would prefer Binghamton over SUNY College of Environmental Sciences and Forestry because he already has friends to party with at Binghamton and the girls are more attractive.

Parties and Girls seem to be Velvet's highest priorities when it comes to choosing a college which is why University of Colorado at Boulder is his first choice. Notably, the only two college applications Velvet filled out on his own were University of Colorado at Boulder and Denver University. Everything else required substantial parental involvement which in our happy little home means plenty of attending drama since I will get theatrical when I'm agitated. In the meantime, Rice University has rejected the boy, and that suited him fine since he was flat ass opposed to living in Houston. Can't blame him for that. So his task is to convince Boulder that he should pay the same tuition to attend their school as the Colorado Residents.

All this college stuff will be settled by May 1 since that is when everyone has to sign on the dotted line.

I was still getting used to the idea of being here indefinitely yesterday morning when my buttroy assistant allowed a pot of candle wax she was melting for a project with the kids to ignite while simmering on the hot plate in the classroom corner. Most of the kids were over in the block area, and the fire never spread beyond the pot, but the moment did illustrate the bullshit involved in working with her. Making candles with a bunch of 3 and 4 year olds had been her big idea from the beginning, and she had convinced me that she knew 100% everything about making candles in baby food jars.

Having never made candles myself because the whole idea sounds like too damn much trouble to me, I was not aware that wax should be melted in a double boiler. I simply saw the direction she was headed and had informed the office that she was fixing to set off the smoke alarms in the building roughly three minutes prior to the pot catching on fire. Fortunately, the office is right beside my classroom, so I just had to shout for the fire extinguisher and they all came running.

The kids found the scene highly entertaining and were pleased to go to the roof playground a little early yesterday.

I was looking forward to "retiring" to Austin this summer, but it seems that all is right with the world anyway. My contract with Buzz Kill runs through 2012. Velvet is delighted that he can continue dropping popcorn all over the floor in familiar surroundings when he comes home from school. He couldn't have all his friends over to play Dungeons and Dragons until 4:00am and sneak a blunt on the terrace at Buzz Kill's primarily because (1) Buzz Kill has no terrace and (2) Buzz Kill carries on about disturbing Vagina Denata. As much as Velvet adores Vagina Dentata - who, for the record, loves Velvet to pieces - her apartment is not conducive to teenage activities. Plus Velvet would have to sleep in a maid's room that Vagina Dentata turned into an enormous walk-in closet. There's a twin bed in there among all the hats, shoes, handbags and clothing archives, but it's not an ideal location. Buzz Kill has been living in the room where he spent his own youth ever since he stomped out of this place a couple of years ago.

As a good Bokonist, I know that things happen As They were Supposed to Happen. There are worse fates than being forced to remain in a big, sunny apartment on Central Park West especially when the trees are finally fixing to burst into bloom.



Besides, as soon as Whole Foods opens across Columbus Avenue, my place is practically an Austin Outpost on the Upper West Side.

12 comments:

Gail said...

HUGE congratulations to Velvet for his acceptance to a great college. And congrats to you too Mom.

You seem resigned to staying in NY for a while longer.It all makes good sense.

The candle wax fire? I agree with you that making candles seems like way too much work. I have entertained the idea, using all my 'candle ends' ..it never moved past an entertaining thought. :-).

You are way cool

Love Gail
peace.....

Kimberly M. Wetherell said...

Delighted to go a-walkin' with ya in Riverside Park as soon as the cherry blossoms start to blooming.

Sure, they're not blue bonnets, but they're awful purdy all the same...

PENolan said...

They are purdy - so are all them daffodils. Gail, you have many, many entertaining thoughts.

Kitty said...

Congratulations to Velvet on being accepted for college. How would you feel about him going to Colorado? Surely his priorities of parties and girls are wholly healthy for his age?

I look forward to hearing more yarns from NYC.

x

bruce said...

"Vagina Dentata... Buzz Kill..."

I love your flare with nicknames

yellowdog granny said...

what? he passed up univesity of Texas..in the city that bills itself as 'keep it weird' Austin, Texas?....oh man...velvet doesn't know what he's missing...

PENolan said...

What can I say? He likes the mountains. The child hangs out in the Tetons, for crissakes.

Comrade Kevin said...

You've always seemed like you've had a foot in both NYC and Austin anyway.

PENolan said...

Looks like I better practice doing The Splits.

PENolan said...

Kitty and Bruce, it's more like we're neighbors when I'm in nyc.

Utah Savage said...

University of Denver is where my third husband got his PhD in Creative Writing. In my humble opinion DU is a shit hole. And Denver is like the Windy City without all the charm and culture. I hated Denver, but I was supporting a petulant asshole who was sleeping with undergraduates in his spare time while I was slaving away.

You live on Central Park West? You bitch! You haven't even invited me to visit. I would give the rest of my teeth to be in you position. Can you see the shade of green I have turned?

PENolan said...

Utah, one of the small gratifications in this life is having someone you envy be envious of you. Must be some sort of twisted mutual admiration thing.

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