Sex and Drugs: Menopausal Stoners Preliminary Policies and Positions

Back in the mid-1980's, I was briefly employed as a head hunter in Austin by a well-intentioned but clueless retired guy who was being hoodwinked in a small way by an unpleasant woman from New Jersey. I'm not sure if she was Jewish, and only mention it because on the Upper West Side of New York City, when you're introducing a character to the conversation somebody will generally ask if the character is Jewish. I never asked her, and couldn't tell by looking. She could easily have been Polish or Italian Catholic, although now that I think if it she may have been the first person I heard use the word treif but a smattering of Yiddish doesn't mean she was Jewish. Anyway, my job was to recruit IT Engineers for the Star Wars Defense project. That's when I learned about how the government sometimes likes to poke their nose in your business as a protective measure. I figure it's time to clarify a few points here at Menopausal Stoners since the military left a calling card.

Background: If the spooks have been keeping an eye on me, as my mother fears, then it most likely started long before I was working on the Star Wars Defense project while I was still going to school at UT. By junior year (which lasted two years in real time), friends had already started declining invitations because my parties jeopardized their security clearances.

The possibility that I might have a security clearance was undoubtedly nixed for all time when I applied to work at the CIA. As soon as you provided your name and address on the application, the CIA wanted to know what drugs you'd been doing and under what circumstances. It seemed sensible to start out telling the CIA the whole truth. In my effort to be candid and comprehensive, I attached a separate sheet and told them everything. I even said I only did Qualudes when boys gave them to me and Mexican 714's made me nauseous. I figured a history of drug use would come in handy with the CIA because if I got captured and somebody tried to get secrets out of me with drugs, I could say, "You'll have to do better than that, Tovarisch." The CIA returned my original application to me under the Federal Privacy Act, but I wouldn't be surprised if they kept a copy and put a red flag on my file. I spoke Russian in those days, too, and minored in philosophy. That's why my mother was worried.

Around that time, there was the incident in Dallas involving those drug dealing brothers who lived upstairs from my best friend and former room mate, Sue-Sue. Her father would have been spinning in his grave if he saw Sue-Sue with those fellows which explains why she was hanging out with them in the first place. One brother had a jheri curl and a gold toned playboy bunny logo ear cuff. These guys were siblings in addition the being black so they are bothers no matter how you look at it, and as far as I know they were not a bit Jewish. The one with the jheri curl used Sue-Sue's Nissan to transport contraband across state lines more than once.

If spooks truly were monitoring our phone calls, anything they heard confirmed that we had no idea what was going on when those brothers took the car. We were wondering if Sue-Sue's fear that she had wound up in some blue movie was reality based or a cocaine induced delusion. Things like that happen when you hang out with cocaine dealers. Here we are:

I smudged Sue-Sue's face to protect her privacy. She sure was cute, and you can tell I was precisely the sort of dumb ass who believed the CIA would be glad a stoner was on the doorstep.

Menopausal Stoner Policy: We here at HQ don't recommend hanging out with cocaine dealers for long. Weed is another story as are other botanically based mind altering substances. Regarding the matter of prescription medications, Menopausal Stoners acknowledges that taking other people's prescription medication for recreational purposes is bad behavior and that PSAs on TV say that it could be harmful to your health to take other people's prescribed medication for any purposes at all. However, it does not necessarily follow that it's a bad idea to take said medication. There can be benefits.

Menopausal Stoner Advisory to College Freshman: Exchange of Ritalin or other prescribed medications for capital gains is strictly prohibited. Exercise strong precautions to ensure meds are never shared with folks who may be a drag. Any and all extra medication will remain at HQ where we know just what to do with it. Failure to comply will invoke a severe reaction. This reaction does not have to be logical, but it should be theatrical and picturesque, whenever possible.

Now that I'm working crew for an off-off Broadway production, I'm getting a closer view at staged theatrics.

A Word about Hypocrisy: There is no shame in substance use unless you're a hypocrite like Rush Limbaugh. Substances are great as long as nobody is driving and nobody's getting hurt. However, it is hypocritical to use find alternative uses for your medication and suggest weed should be illegal.

Speaking of Rush, I wish you could lock somebody up for inciting a riot via media outlets. JadedJ has been discussing accountability in the criminal justice system these days and mentions anal penetration as part of jail time. He makes this point in connection with a some banker types and about Keith R. Griffin, a pedophile. I absolutely agree with JadedJ that anyone who involves children in anything remotely sexual should receive swift and severe retribution. It's just that s/he might like getting pounded in the ass by strangers.

Many people like to take it up the ass. Hard. A lot. Consequences for demonic behavior should not be pleasurable for the demon or else the behavior is reinforced. Even if an individual has never fantasied about anal play before going to prison, s/he might get to like anal sex once s/he gets there.

Anal sex is not just for the incarcerated. Lots of people regularly and joyfully practice anal sex. The world is a better place when people are not uptight about their sexuality. That's one of the points of this play I'm crewing for in the Fringe Festival, And Sophie Comes Too.

Menopausal Stoners Postition Statement: As a rule, sex is good.

Imagine a world where people got high and fucked a lot in what ever way they considered pleasurable at the moment. They don't have to get high, of course. Smoking weed is not for everyone. Nobody says you have to smoke it anymore than somebody says you have to watch porn.

Menopausal Stoner Position Statement: Pretty much every practice that uptight people call deviant should be regarded as fair play between consenting adults.

Part of the legacy of Bill Clinton should be loosening up American sexual attitudes. Willy Jeff got sloppy sometimes, but he left us with much to ponder about standard definitions of monogamy. The Republicans could take a lesson. The phrase Clinton Rules has entered the vernacular to define monogamy. Like Willy Jeff himself, those rules are a little slippery.

I refuse to speculate on whether or not Hillary ever got slippery for Bill. When you go out for drinks with theatre people, conversation often includes enthusiastic speculation on the sexuality of other people. Hillary and Bill's sex life is old news. We stand beside Willy Jeff and Hillary Clinton over here at HQ. Willy Jeff proves to the world that you can be from the South and not be a stupid red neck who is uptight about partying. So does Charlie Wilson - he may have been an opportunistic reprobate, but he was not a dumb red neck nor was he uptight about partying.