Monday, April 5, 2010

The Militia of Love

I am not now nor have I ever been Facebook friends with Velvet. And I'm not the kind of person who carries around pictures of my kid, either, so when I wanted to show some friends in Austin a picture of Velvet, I went to my own facebook page then did a search for his page to see more photos. There's a nice one of him in the Rockies. I was surprised to find this shot of Velvet wearing a Gas Mask with the bong attached.

I am thoroughly proud of my child because if you're going to be a dumb ass, you might as well be a World Class Dumb Ass - and Velvet surely qualifies as a World Class Dumb Ass now.

Naturally I called him right away and left a howling voice mail. When I checked a few days later to see if Velvet had removed the photo, it was still there. I sent a text. He responded by saying he'd been busy and would change his security settings. I replied that he better remove said photograph all together or I would confiscate the baker's dozen of brownies he forgot in the freezer when he went back to college - and I might even inform his father, Buzz Kill, of the situation. As a friend of one of Velvet's friends, Buzz Kill could easily get to that photo.

Velvet was distressed that I had resorted to threats regarding this sentimental photo especially since it was just a few days until his birthday. I had already told him he wasn't getting those brownies back until I saw a 2.0 on his report card, and suggested that his aunt, who also would have access to the gas mask photo if she went through one of his cousins' pages, might have an issue with the way he spends his time at college since she's sending money toward Tree Hugger tuition. When Velvet said that anyone with a blog called Menopausal Stoners has no right to question a facebook photo involving a bong, it occurred to me that Velvet might need some Community Service, so I tried to donate the brownies to support two of my favorite communities, The Dublin International Gay Theatre Festival and Corrente. They were unable to accept the donation because of the Unfortunate Prohibition of Recreational Hemp.

I wish that we would not limit the discussion of legalizing marijuana use to medicinal marijuana. I understand incremental steps and stuff, but if the fraternity is going to be dedicated to recreational marijuana, then they might want to work towards marijuana legalization. An advertisement from NORML will debut in Times Square this year on April 20. Four Twenty is national weed day.

The 19th of April is Patriots' Day, commemorating the first battles of the Revolutionary War. Militias have had an honorable position in America's history on account of their role in the Revolutionary War. Militias have gotten a bad name recently on account of groups like the Hutaree in Michigan (Stupid People With Guns, William Rivers Pitt, Truthout 4.05.2010) . Matt Savino, a local commander in the Michigan Militia, turned in the Hutaree to protect the good name of militias according to an article in the New York Times.

I'm willing to accept that not every member of a Militia is a right-wing extremist crackpot with a firearm fetish. But the increased visibility of Militias these days has made me rethink the idea of the Menopausal Stoners Militia. I would surely hate it if Menopausal Stoners were associated with right-wing extremist crackpots like militia sympathizer Timothy McVeigh who bombed a federal building in Oklahoma on April 19, 1995. As it happens, April 19th is Granny the Ho's birthday. Although Granny the Ho would never have minded if a bunch of grown men dressed up in costumes and played Revolutionary War across the countryside, she would have been firmly opposed to Stupid People with Guns.

Maybe we need The Menopausal Stoners Militia of Love.

Velvet has removed the Gas Mask photo from his facebook page all together. I know because Gigi was over here yesterday and since she and Velvet are facebook friends, we could access all of his photos. I called him to say I was proud that he had the good judgment to respect my wishes. He didn't remove that photo quickly enough to prevent it from being seen by Jack Daniels, the preacher from the mountains. I had given The Preacher a play by play of the pissing contest between me and Velvet regarding the photo, and as it happens, Jack Daniels is facebook friends with Gigi so he had access to said photo for a time.

Like most men in my demographic who are aware of this situation, he was overcome with a fit of nostalgia and couldn't quit laughing. The Preacher thinks the Menopausal Stoner Herb Tea Cart might need a supply of the gas mask contraptions in case we happen to get caught in the cross fire between Teabagging Militias and The National Guard. If the Teabagger dreams come true and they storm into Washington DC in such grand numbers that Obama is provoked into declaring marital law so that we find ourselves in Bizarro Birmingham (stonerdate 02.25.2010), and we haul the Herb Tea Cart up to the Mall in DC to watch the shenanigans, we might need to filter the tear gas out of the air.


Blogger Life As I Know It Now said...

My husband goes on and on about how the weed needs to be legal and that smoking weed is better than drinking alcohol. He doesn't smoke or drink by the way. Be that as it may, I think that as long as weed is illegal that it would be much better if your son didn't post said pictures to the internet.

Employers regularly look at social network pages and can refuse to hire or consider someone who is outright breaking the law. They can also fire your ass. So, with that in mind, he needs to keep his recreational use of the weed to himself. I'm glad he listened to you, finally, and took down the picture. Seems like you have your hands full, steering that boy toward his future.

April 5, 2010 at 11:34 PM  
Blogger PENolan said...

Yes, Libs, I do have my hands full. Yesterday was the first time we were apart on his birthday. Bittersweet, for sure.

I just hope he manages to say out of jail. Meanwhile, those kids better start working to change the laws. Who knows? Maybe that's his future.

April 6, 2010 at 6:52 AM  
Blogger VV said...

"I just hope he manages to stay out of jail." Ain't that the truth! My darling Jr. hasn't seemed to grasp that concept yet. This weekend he and his buddies were pulled over for speeding. His friend M was driving. Okay, M does not have a license, he does not have insurance, and he did not have permission to take said vehicle. My Jr. was astounded that I got mad at HIM. What did he do after all, he wasn't driving. Um, sheer stupidity for getting in a vehicle with an unlicensed, uninsured motorist, and GETTING INTO A STOLEN VEHICLE!!! Okay, so the vehicle belonged to a relative and they weren't going to press charges, but really, do you have to be a rocket scientist to figure out how NOT to break a law? Do you seriously have any of my DNA in you at times like this? Ugh!

April 6, 2010 at 11:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now VV, you know very well it may be Latent DNA, from your side of the family. So see ya should have been a little bad along the way. Now am only sitting here chuckling to my self, as all of mine have done numerous stupid things along the way. KIDS... and more than likely continue to, but hopefully at least have gotten a clue as to what to share with which friends, as too how stupid they can be...Mine have trouble figuring out just how I know, what I know. And why they usally can not outsmart me for very long.. Am very surprised at JR, he is a bright boy, but it is also not unique to being a boy. But certainly more prevlant. At least in my experience.. My problem is and was the fear of MOM, but never figured out how to instill that in my kids, am not very good at the guilt trip, and GOD is watching you every min. :) p
PENolan, this all will pass I think sooner or later, first time not being together on a Birthday, am sorry it's a sign of things to come more than likely, but natural progression of things as well.
Pat from NY

April 6, 2010 at 1:43 PM  
Blogger VV said...

Pat, darn, I think you might have a point with the latent DNA. Damn that Carnie blood! Also, he is a smart kid, but he's definitely a follower, not a leader. Every time he's been stopped by the cops, he's been with this friend M. I think I'm seeing a connection here. If you don't have enough backbone not to go along with every hair brained idea your friends come up with, hang out with a different group of friends who won't get you into trouble.

April 6, 2010 at 2:17 PM  
Blogger Utah Savage said...

IMHO, working to legalize pot is a noble endeavor. The only problem I have with the reports on Velvet is that very low academic achievement goal of a 2.0.

And you sure can write!

April 6, 2010 at 2:57 PM  
Blogger PENolan said...

Utah - that 2.0 would be an improvement over the 1.2 he got in the fall. Hopefully now that he is switching majors from Forestry Engineering to Environmental Studies, we'll start seeing A's and B's again.

April 6, 2010 at 3:40 PM  

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