Forgiveness is a tricky thing.
I have been trying to get somebody to forgive me even though I'm not sorry for anything I've done. I am sorry that he was hurt by my actions, but I maintain that under the circumstances my actions were understandable. In fact, I think he wouldn't have respected me if I had behaved any other way.
It's easy enough to say that I haven't been forgiven because that man is limited by his own perceptions. That, like many, many people, he is trapped inside a mind that manufactures isolation in order to preserve a sense of being a unique, distinct individual in the universe. An individual defined by his thoughts and wounds. You can't get judgmental about that shit, though, because the reason it's so easy to recognize those qualities in others is because you have those very same qualities your own self.
Plenty of people say that you're never going to heal unless you learn to forgive. Plenty of people say that some things are unforgivable. As someone who experienced a damaging, incestuous episode at the hands of my uncle - who is now my aunt and running for city council in a large Texas town - I can get behind the idea that some things are unforgivable. When you hear some Authority on Healing say that you have to forgive a certain person to get back your spirit, it's like being told you will never have inner peace until you take Darth Vader out to lunch.
I'm finally beginning to understand that when you're content with the way things are in your life Now, it's because you recognize that the events in your past made you the wonderful person you are today. Ergo: things might have sucked at the time, but as part of the process of human growth, they were necessary to you.
I'm not so sure I understand how being abused was necessary to my development. Sunshine, oxygen and water are necessary to my development. And Chocolate. Given that most shrinks say that everyone can make a case for coming from an abusive, dysfunctional family - I suppose that abuse and humiliation are part of life, and getting over it is essential to your own development. And truly, with regard to my uncle - or my Ankle since he was my uncle and is now my aunt - I have to wonder if his whole life would have gone differently if he'd only been allowed to Twirl a baton instead of being forced to play Pee Wee Football. That didn't give him the right to be a child molester, but in the scheme of things, I am the one who decides whether to be irrevocably damaged or not.
This man who won't forgive me is not a perp. He's just a guy. An Every Man struggling to get by in a cold, cruel world. It's been almost two years since he said he forgave me for causing a shit storm in his life - and maybe he has forgiven me. At the time, though, it sure sounded to me like he was playing the forgiveness card in order to make himself feel morally superior. As it happened, another man was forgiving me at the time. That guy actually said I had sinned against him which is why I handed my Drama Queen crown straight over to him. The point is that some people forgive those who trespass against them without having a bit of compassion, empathy or understanding. It's all about being holier than thou.
Whether or not he really forgave me back then is currently irrelevant because I caused a worse shit storm this past February. I maintain that I was provoked to the point where I had to retaliate, but it's likely that we simply played the cards we were dealt and the shit storm was the inevitable result. All confirmed Bokonists know that things happen as they are supposed to happen. That doesn't mean there is a divine plan behind every drama - that means that in the pool hall of Life, once you hit the cue ball, the trajectory is determined by cause and effect.
While I appreciate that these things take time, it seems to me that if this guy and I are talking again after all this hurtful bullshit, we might as well get back in bed together. If Make Up Sex with this guy is as energizing as I know it's going to be, we might as well make the most of the few months I have left in town. Some people might think it was foolish to instigate a long distance relationship, but to me, the distance is perfect. If we were kids and wanted to breed, I could see that being 1,500 miles apart would be an issue, but we're both in the AARP zone. We both need a lot of space and independence to follow our own paths, and I am not looking to get into his bank account because I have a little money of my own. I personally can't see the problem, and time is running out.
But it doesn't matter if I can't see the problem. There's something in the way and there's nothing I can say or do to change that.
Any time I've listened to somebody talking about healing and forgiveness, everything boils down to accepting and loving your own self. We're all in charge of our own inner peace. I can meditate, and sometimes I feel so connected to the life source that I'm flooded with the warmth of Grace. As grateful as I am to be at that point, and as wonderful as that feeling of ultimate acceptance is - it's also wonderful when two people melt into each others warmth. It might be sexual, but the point is the warmth and understanding, and you can feel that with your parents, or your children or your very best friends.
They say that atonement is all about being At One. Right now, with me and this fellow, that oneness is barely beyond our reach. Just barely. It's a challenge to finally grab that elusive brass ring, and all it would take is one clear, purposeful stretch. When you're on a carousel, though, timing is always a factor. You have to be patient and aware so that when the opportunity presents itself, you can go for it with all your might.
So I'm trying to be patient and to trust that as long as we're living, there will be other opportunities. Meanwhile, I'm wondering if I have really forgiven him. I may have totally accepted and forgiven his role in the shit storms, but I'm having trouble understanding, accepting and forgiving him for keeping his distance. Even though the big picture makes perfect sense, a couple of moment remain frozen into into vignettes that pierced the soul. We could regret them for a lifetime, or we could melt into an embrace that says all is forgiven.
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