Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Hot Boxing the Bathroom*

It's a good thing I've settled the question of the relevance of The Church to today's society (answer: none) because Velvet gets home from school tomorrow and he's grounded for sure.

I still think that if the time comes when life in the USA becomes so chaotic that we have to build a compound off the grid where we can be safe and happy, it will come in handy to know a progressive preacher who can shoot. You never know what will happen when it comes time to hold off Teabaggers convinced it's the End of Times. In an article at Alternet this morning, Chris Hedges examines religion's demise within the context of Nietzche's Last Man: Should We Be Cheering Religion's Demise? He explains the whole thing - not only about the church but also about how America is sliding down the garbage pile into Idiocracy although he doesn't reference that movie.

After having a Preacher in Residence at Menopausal Stoners World Headquarters on Central Park West, I've settled a lot of questions about a lot of stuff for the time being - not the least of which is Men and Their Mid-Life Crises. I will say that the theological explorations made this one more intellectually stimulating than others, and that it's nice to know that I still have whatever qualities I had as a young woman that lead to this sort of male behavior. And I still wonder if, in the end, it all comes back to the tits. The Preacher - and all those other guys - would passionately deny that, but I still have to wonder. It has to do with the objectification process.

It's not like I never objectified anybody, so I get it and am not distressed in the slightest. It's flattering, after all. Some would contend that my radiant energy that attracts certain individuals. The Preacher is not the one who would say that, however. Max the Psychic Life Coach would say that. I still say that anyone who can do hair like Max understands the external manifestation of our radiant energy as much as any human ever can. He expresses it in terms of Angel Energy - but really, that's just a vocabulary word people need to explain the unknowable. The proof is in the hair.

Here's me with my brother (who shall remain nameless).
My sunglasses are on my head and it's not a particularly good hair day since there are no good hair days in Houston.

Now that my exploration of The Church is concluded, and I'm firmly back on the Bokonist path of Existential Absurdity and Moral Ambiguity, I have to shove Velvet on the existential path called: Get A Job. He's grounded until he gets one, and as far as I'm concerned he doesn't have one until he's filled out his I-9 and reported to his shift supervisor on time.

Grounding Velvet has proven to be difficult in the past, probably because the definition of "grounded" is kind of fluid over here at HQ. To me, Grounded means no more than a couple of friends can come over. There will be absolutely no Olde English 40s, and everyone needs to leave around 10:00. That often translates into everyone leaves after The Colbert Report - which is fine as long as they are reasonably quiet and haven't been hot boxing Velvet's bathroom.

Under anyone's definition, Grounded means No Hot Boxing the Bathroom. And it means no random Kazakhstanis or other inherently cool kids -- with or without diplomatic immunity -- can come over when you're supposed to be grounded. Grounded is Grounded, for crying out loud.

*Hot Boxing is where a bunch of kids go into the bathroom, turn on the shower and smoke joints. The smoke mixes in with the steam. I don't know for sure if it's supposed to get you higher than normal or if it's supposed to be less smelly because of the steam. I just know the smoke filled steam leaves little trails all over the bathroom walls.


Blogger VV said...

Wow, grounded here is no cell phone access, no video games, no friends over, and plenty of chores. In the coming month, Jr. will be facing an ultimatum, get a job to help pay for school or get out. The Spin Doctor has actually agreed to take him up there (an hour north of here) so that he won't have the distraction of hanging out with all his friends who also don't have jobs. Plus Jr. can work in his aunt and uncle's business right next door to the Spin Doctor's house, no excuses not to work and he can even walk across the yard to work and not need a vehicle. I'll let you know how that works out.

May 11, 2010 at 4:20 PM  
Blogger PENolan said...

Whew! Sounds like you've got your hands full too.

The thing about chores is that we just don't have that many of them since we live in a high rise apartment building. No roof, yard or garage to worry about, and it's not particularly large either so you can clean the whole place in a couple of hours. He has always helped with the housekeeping because he lives here.
This summer, he's got to paint the whole apartment AND take his grandmother, Vagina Dentata, to a wedding in North Carolina over Memorial Day weekend. That's actually torture. He also knows that any shenanigans will result in "jail time" with my mother in the Houston suburbs. He can't tolerate more than 48 hours in Houston by himself.

As it happens, ALL of his friends have jobs. He's a cheeky monkey, though, and the trouble is not only that I'm generally indulgent but also that I like most of his friends. It's the Olde English 40s I have a problem with. A 12 pack of PBRs is only $7.50 across the street at Whole Foods so I see no reason at all for malt liquor. It's just tacky

May 11, 2010 at 5:28 PM  
Blogger Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

I love you more with each new post.

May 11, 2010 at 8:12 PM  
Blogger jadedj said...

"...and it's not even a particularly good hair day". Yes but it's nice and thick...I like me some thick haired woemens.

At first, I'm thinking, this hotbox thing is a good idea. But then, I realized that the joint would get pretty damned soggy. Can't abide a soggy joint.

You do have a way with them there words...and hair.

May 11, 2010 at 8:35 PM  
Blogger PENolan said...

JadedJ, they smoke the joint so fast that it doesn't have time to get soggy. Somebody you know must bogart joints.

Doctor, a talented man like you could turn my head if it weren't already a cyclone in there.

May 11, 2010 at 9:51 PM  
Blogger Cali said...

As a "hot box" originator from way back in the early 80's I can say that there is no need for the steam. And yes, the idea is that one gets higher while hot boxing because not only is one actively smoking, but one is passively smoking with every breath. The steam merely soothes the lungs and, as you said, makes a big mess of the walls. Tell him to knock it off with the steam!

I sympathize with you about the grounding thing. I've always been shitty at it, too. It's especially difficult when it's your house where all the kids gravitate.

Even though yesterday was my kid's 25th birthday I don't fly well with the alcohol, and won't tolerate it as any sort of everyday thing for anyone hanging here. My kid has a family tree that, if shaken, alcoholics fall all over the place from both sides of the damn thing. Therefore, alcohol is for special occasions ONLY. Luckily, this is a rule he hasn't fought in any way.

He has a few alcoholic friends and close relatives and sees clearly how badly it's fucked them up. His best friend was diagnosed with alcoholic pancreatitis when he was only 17, and seven years later he still drinks like a fish even though he knows it will KILL him. It's only a matter of when. He's been to rehab TWICE. My son's half-brother just turned 21 while on his 30 day lock-down/communications blackout in REHAB and the kid's been on formal probation since right after his 18th birthday because of alcohol. Thankfully, my son has always been able to learn from the mistakes of others.

May 12, 2010 at 6:50 AM  
Blogger Kulkuri said...

Thanks for the definition of "Hot Boxing". Any number of things went thru my head before finding out what it meant.

May 12, 2010 at 8:36 AM  
Blogger Gail said...

Hey Girl--

I never new what "Hot Boxing in the bathroom" meant until this moment. You are just a wealth of information and I love it :-)

I need way more details on the Preacher. I feel quite ntrigued.

You are just the best and your nameless brother is good lookin'

Love you Texas

May 12, 2010 at 12:12 PM  
Blogger Claire said...

I didn't know what "hot boxing" was either. Had anyone else written it, I'd have been utterly mystified, but since it was you, I guessed correctly that it had something to do with smoking weed in the bathroom :)

May 12, 2010 at 12:57 PM  
Blogger Mr. Charleston said...

Only a couple of friends over at a time, no Old English 40s (whatever that is) and not hot boxing... dang, I've been grounded most of my life and didn't know it.

May 12, 2010 at 8:26 PM  
Blogger PENolan said...

Cali, I was surprised at how strongly opposed I found myself to kids drinking. I maintain that anyone who is legally old enough to vote and legally required to register for the selective service ought to have the legal right to drink a dang beer. But I don't hold with excessive drinking. Somehow smoking weed doesn't seem excessive to me. It seems more like the logical thing to do in the circumstances - but my family is lousy with alcoholics too. Hope it was a happy birthday for you and your son.

Hey Gingi.
Gail, he's not only good looking, he's got a Pulitzer Prize. Shhh!

CDP, I suppose I have developed a certain reputation . . . Kilkuri, I hope your head enjoyed the exercise ;)
Mr C, an Olde English 40 is a big bottle of malt liquor.

May 12, 2010 at 11:44 PM  
Blogger Life As I Know It Now said...

That is one liberal type of grounding you have there :)

I have my award post up btw.

May 13, 2010 at 9:57 AM  
Blogger Jaliya said...

Hot boxing! Ha! -- New term of the day ;-)

Ohh...the alcohol. It's mean, vicious stuff. Like Cali, I've got one of those heavy-laden trees (Cali, your image made me laugh out loud -- it's a keeper!) and booze can turn a pussycat-person into a psycho-kitty on a dime.

Someone in my own family is presently in a do-or-die battle with alcohol addiction -- there's no way to tell which way this might go. I'd much rather have my loved one hot-boxing than boozing ...

May 13, 2010 at 4:03 PM  
Blogger PENolan said...

Jaliya: I'd much rather see moderation in all things, to tell you the truth. So far, the grounding is going well.
He got a job today - which I arranged, but he still got a job. The daycamp doesn't start until the end of June, though, so he's going to see about being a bus boy too.
So far so good.
I hope everything works out okay with your relative.

Libs - I'll pop on over there to check it out. I always love your links!

May 13, 2010 at 8:53 PM  
Blogger Jaliya said...

I posted a wee piece that ended up segueing into moderation ... Funny how so many minds come 'round to similar thoughts, yes?

Glad Velvet found some work. That'll be more grounding than just about anything ...

May 13, 2010 at 11:45 PM  
Blogger intelliwench said...

It's interesting to have the youngsters back home for the summer, isn't it? I found myself fretful last night when intellikid didn't get home...and didn't get home...and didn't get home. But then had to remind myself that while she was in Boston I had no idea what she was doing at what hour, or with whom.

She did confess to drinking twice at school, and not enjoying it either time. Somehow I take this news at both a relief and a sign of some kind of failing on my part :-)

May 15, 2010 at 10:20 AM  

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