A Dream about Pastry

I've been contemplating my identity again. This time it got started because I realized that for the most part, I define myself by my relationships to others. For example, on the way home from work today I was considering the word Nurturing. I'm definitely a nurturing individual, but how does that characteristic manifest except in relation to others? If you have no one to nurture, what do you do?

You take care of yourself - that's what. Not that I usually do that. Focusing on others - my students, my son, and whatever man has been in my life - gives me an excuse for ignoring my own needs and goals. I don't have time to be "all that I can be" because of someone else. On a conscious level anyway. I'm pretty sure my needs and goals are bubbling underneath the surface and frequently influence choices and decisions so that I'm on the right path even though I don't know it.

Expressing myself regarding Beena at work this week had something to do with all this thinking - but it had more to do with a feeling I noticed when Obama won the election. I really wanted to share that moment with somebody, and there was no one to call. Velvet was there, of course, but it's not the same.

My runes have been saying that I need to sit empty for a while so that I can become what, by nature, I already am. Anyone who throws rocks will recognize Ralph Blum's interpretation. I use another more concrete book called Simply Runes as well. Over the last couple of months while I've been lamenting the demise of a particular relationship, what I've noticed is that my mind instantly wonders what all these rocks mean regarding the man, and I have to actively turn my mind from the relationship, or lack thereof, onto my own self. As it happens, though, one of the runes I keep getting is Teiwaz:


In Simply Runes, Kim Farnell says that Teiwaz can represent an exciting, difficult man who is so dominant that the woman will lose part of her identity in a relationship with him. Given that I've been in that situation recently, and that this dang rune jumps out of the bag at me half the time, I believe I can be forgiven for wondering about that particular fellow. Nevertheless, it's problematic and I have to continually remind myself to think of my Self.

Since the same runes have been coming up for weeks, I know I'm in the middle of some life lesson. All well and good - but I knew that already. We're coming up on four months with no boyfriend which is a milestone. For the last thirty three years, I've been revolving around some fellow whether I liked him or not. We're not even going to acknowledge the potential significance of the number 33. The point is that it's no wonder that when I think of myself, it's always in relation to somebody else.

So I was mulling this situation over one more time on the way home today. Given that the word Nurture was on my mind, and that everyone knows people nurture themselves (or the opposite) with food, I was not surprised to wake up from a weird dream that was filled with food.

It was one of those dreams where the setting changed a lot so it was kind of confusing. A taxi driver took me to the airport and burned my blue shirt with a cigarette. The airport turned into a reception of some kind and Beena was there talking about potential nannies with some Jewish Grandmother and comparing the medical schools said nanny candidates had attended. That's when I was scooping up an armload of pastries from a buffet table. Then I was sitting at the head of a table with a bunch of other teachers - some from this school, some from my old school - and one of them, a woman I really respect for her practicality, insight and her own conscientious nurturing - started leading the group in a low, melodious chant: Tell Tricia you love her. Her husband was there and pushed a votive candle closer to me so that my face and my plate were in the light. I was playing with my salad, rubbing lettuce leaves, tomatoes, cucumbers and red onion in ranch dressing. That's when I woke up.

As I looked at that "something's missing" feeling this week, I have had to admit that I've only begun to recognize my own Center now that I'm not revolving around a man. With a man at the center, I can only be a satellite. I'm a great satellite - until I start needing to assert myself. Asserting myself, whether at work or in a friendship or a romance, goes so against my grain that I won't say anything until a situation is intolerable. I'm so overwhelmed by the time I start talking, I can't help but cry.

Actually, I did pretty good at work this week. Objective, professional and no tears. Again, I have to wonder if I was able to accomplish this task because I felt like I had nothing to lose or if I'm more internally stable these days. Probably both.

The words on my List of Personal Characteristics today were: Accommodating, Facilitating, Nurturing. All things you need another person to be unless you're working for yourself. As women, we are frequently taught that being Selfish is bad. And it is in most circumstances, but sometimes it's imperative to devote your energy to your Self.

It's hard to believe an almost 50 year old woman is struggling to convince herself that dealing with her own needs proactively will prevent all kinds of trouble in the long run. But if Barak Obama can become president despite all the obstacles, surely I can manage to run my life forwards instead of backwards.

It's a concept . . .