Hauling out the Shot Gun

I was a bit surprised at the strength of my conviction, which I didn't know was so strong until I found myself standing in the middle of a living room full of 18 year old males and females with a shot gun. Now, this is a vintage shot gun - my great grandfather's 1912 Remington. It's busted, in the first place, and in the second, I don't have any ammunition. Nevertheless, a shotgun does have a way of emphasizing a point.

I was making a policy statement against teen pregnancy to the group after sending Velvet to chase a young couple out of his bedroom where they had gone at about 2:30 in the morning and closed the door.

I didn't make an ass of myself or anything, and I'll admit that no one in my happy home was strictly sober at that moment. The kids know I'm pretty relaxed about most things - although I really hate it when I'm coming home from a reading or an off-off Broadway production and smell weed in the hall twenty feet before I get to our door. My neighbor Mark recommends smoke eating candles, and I may have to get some this weekend. And the kids know that I 100% believe that if the American Government thinks 18 year olds are smart enough to vote, and big enough to go into the military and get shot at - then they are old enough to drink a beer. Just not my beer, and I'm not buying it for them.

As an educator with a lot of letters behind my name, I know that kids will push limits just to make sure someone is paying attention. Kids feel more secure when adults set reasonable limits. So when the young couple in question - who had already been smooching in the recliner - wandered into Velvet's bedroom and shut the door, I was compelled to say: Not No But Hell No.

I'm actually not sure how I got on the topic of my shotgun during that discussion, but once it popped into my head, I popped into my room for the Remington. I've never shot a gun in my life, but I do like using it for arm curls -and like any well bred Texan Female, I can twirl my shotgun.

I may twirl it straight at Michele Bachmann's head one day since I think that these broads from the Barbie Doll/Beauty Queen School of Female Education, like Bachmann and Sarah Palin, should prove they can twirl and talk at the same time. Personally, I don't think they can do it - and as I've mentioned to Utah Savage, I suspect she and I (both well bred Texas Women) can bust those broads on the head with a baton from twenty paces while reciting The Constitution. I can't manage a flaming baton, though, so we'll have to make due with sparkly fringe. And I am damn sure not chucking my 1912 Remington at either one of them on account of they'd keep it.

Sarah Palin should have hauled out one of her many firearms to make a statement about teen pregnancy in her own house, now that I think about it. I never preached abstinence, either. I just said (1) Not in My House, and (2) if you're as smart as you think you are, you won't get pregnant until you're good and ready.

I also said that I had been pregnant once in my life, and put my arm around my handsome Velvet. For some people, Velvet himself is a walking ad for birth control, but I'm proud as I can be most days. When I checked with him later to make sure I hadn't embarrassed him in front of his friends, he said he wasn't a bit embarrassed because I was just laying down the law, and that's how we are in Texas. Actually, not everyone in Texas hauls out a shotgun to make a point. I learned this trick from my mother.

For some reason, folks listen differently when a woman is holding a shotgun. And Mother never actually hauled hers out - she just threatened to hold a repair man hostage until they fixed her cook top to her satisfaction. He should never have tried to hand her a load of bullshit about why he couldn't fix it. Sometimes people will try to fill you full of shit. Mother had simply had enough that day.

In any case, the children now understand that just because they may not get in trouble for hotboxing the bathroom there is no reason to think anyone is doing anything remotely connected with pregnancy when I'm around. Now that I'm reflecting on this event, I've remembered that the kid who went into the bedroom with his girlfriend was a key player in leaving a drunk girl in the bathroom last fall when he and his posse went off to another party.

I am almost positive that if anyone's parents heard that I said No Pregnancy Allowed and hauled out a shotgun to indicate that I was serious as a heart attack, they'd be okay with it.