Friday, September 4, 2009

Full Moon in September

The moon is full today. It looked full last night, but it's not completely full until around noon. I've been agitated for the last couple of days, and if you can believe Jan Spiller, it's all on account of this particular full moon:
Because this FULL MOON occurs in the sign of PISCES, the emotional energy stirred in the atmosphere is quite psychic and perhaps even a bit fearful. There is an over-sensitive awareness of how current circumstances may not be supporting your vision or private dream.
This atmosphere surrounds everyone on the planet, so maybe it explains why so many people are freaking out about having a Negro for president. I can't imagine that all those folks would be taking their kids out of school if a white guy were addressing the class on the TV. The Daily Kos discusses the Republican led frenzy over Obama indoctrinating children in socialism in an post titled, The Axis of Lunacy, although it doesn't reference the full moon. According to Jan, this full moon energy will pass by the 6th, so by the time the address rolls around on the 8th, it will be so old news no one will care. We cannot blame the shouting about health care on the full moon because (1) it has been going on for weeks and (2) it is funded by rich assholes who use propaganda as a tool to hang on to their money.

My personal agitation has nothing to do with Obama although the level of stupidity in America is so pronounced right now that any thinking person must be alarmed. The thing is, though, that those people have always been xenophobes and we could argue that xenophobes are necessarily stupid so it should come as no surprise that there are thousands of stupid cows in America. What surprises me is that they are getting off their butts and getting involved in politics at all - but that could be because they are broke and can't afford their usual entertainments. More likely, though, their inherent racism propels them to action.

It's enough to agitate anyone - but I've been agitated by HCW. The way he's been continually making passes at the blog reminds me of a little kid ringing somebody's doorbell and hiding in the bushes to watch her look out the door. I've been perplexed by his motivation. The simple answer with narcissists is Attention, but since he can get plenty of attention from a number of other supply sources, the solution to this puzzle cannot be that simple. Besides, Narcissists are never that simple - that's why I like them.

It's also true that HCW may not really be a narcissist anyway. Just because an adjective can be applied appropriately doesn't mean it's an accurate assessment of the a situation. Very likely, HCW has the soul of a rowdy little boy. Egocentric, attention seeking behaviors are part of the package, and I've always had a soft spot for rowdy little boys. That's one reason I'm a good preschool teacher.

Rhet used to say that my boyfriends were fundamentally dildos with Rubik's Cubes attached. Once I solved the mystery, I moved on to another boyfriend - or in this case, life with no boyfriend at all which has been remarkably pleasant. I had moved well into this territory when HCW started yanking my chain. Since I had stopped paying any attention to him at all, except in a philosophical sense when I was reflecting on past relationships, he has clearly been the instigator this time around. Sadly, I am responding predictably although with less vigor and urgency than in the past.

Finding the X-Rated Google trail livened up the discussion, but I am much too reluctant to have my own behavior scrutinized to ever feign an attitude of moral superiority or even emotional distress.

Ever since Velvet said I was maniacal, I have looked back on highlights in my behavior and cannot deny a maniacal bent. Last year, I called HCW around forty times the night before his birthday. I wouldn't have done it, except that about every third or fourth time I called, his line was busy because he was listening to and erasing my messages. Granted I had been smoking weed so I was easily amused - but I found it highly entertaining that I had the ability to drive someone who was hell bent on ignoring me thoroughly and completely nuts. As soon as he erased the messages, I would leave more. And they were inevitably friendly messages focused on his adorable charm. He later accused me of being psychotic - but in retrospect, I believe we had an example of me at my maniacal best (or worst, depending on your perspective).

I will concede that leaving somebody forty messages in a row, over the course of a couple of hours, is excessive. What kept me going was watching his attempt to control a situation and act like he had the power in the relationship by not picking up the phone - and he kept picking up the phone like Pavlov's dog. I was equally as stuck in a Pavlovian behavior loop, but while he was stomping around all pissed off, I was laughing maniacally to myself. Smoking weed will do that for you. If he'd have really ignored me, I'd have worn myself out and quit.

Maybe the whole situation does revolve around his need for attention - which may or may not be narcissistic - or one of my own disturbing tendencies. Or both. Either way, when two people are so clearly susceptible to each other, I figure they need to stop fooling around and get a beer. But I'm a person who believes the best about the people in my life. Being optimistic and having a sense of humor about human nature and quirky behaviors goes a long way in a preschool classroom.

As agitated as I have been in some ways - and finances cannot be ignored here although G*d knows I try mightily to ignore my finances - going back to my old job is the best thing I've done in a while. The facility is spacious, sunny and well equipped. My colleagues are generally great. The turds are only turdish in that they are negative and gossipy which can be entertaining some days. As if that weren't good enough, the neighborhood itself is filled with people who are passionate about their work since within a few blocks there are two universities, two seminaries, our huge progressive church, a building filled with NGO's and non-profits as well as the Manhattan School of Music. The energy in the neighborhood is positively invigorating.

Work is great; Velvet is great and Buzz Kill left me a message last night saying he was paying the child support and alimony for this month in full today. Plus we're having Gigi's birthday party over here tomorrow night.

Maybe everyone feels a longing in his/her heart looking up at a full moon. I am grateful for many, many things, but there is still room for growth and improvement. It's frustrating to recognize that in your own little living room, adjustments that seem obvious and easy to accomplish may never happen.

Moving forward toward Tashlich, which is part of the Jewish New Year Celebration, I'm thinking of what I'd like to cast away this year. The real ceremony, I believe, involves tossing crumbs into a river to symbolize casting away your sins. The first time I celebrated this ritual, I invested my pizza crumbs with my wish for an ideal mother and thew them out the window. Ceremonies and rituals are great for giving concrete significance to abstract ideas.

This year, Tashlich is on Sunday, September 20 - just after new moon.


Gail said...

HI Trish-

Happy Autumn!! I am glad your new job is going well - and the area sounds fascinating - so NY academia and humanitarian-ish!! :-)

Interesting info on the Pisces-moon, huh., - who knew??

And I could be wrong but I think when you write about HCW you are giving him exactly what he wants - 'focus on him'.

and finally - I am thrilled that you are getting ALL your support money for the month. That is good news.

Love you

JD said...

"There is an over-sensitive awareness of how current circumstances may not be supporting your vision or private dream." Wow. That explains my mood the last few days. It's the fucking moon. I'll be glad when this one passes.
And all those stupid cows have no clue they'll someday wind up as burgers on some rich guy's grill.
Good post, Tricia; I love it when I read something that makes me laugh and think at the same time.

Fergie said...

ooh, congrats on the job!

and enjoy that tidal influence of lunar strength (-:

PENolan said...

Thanks, Fergie! Glad to see you
JD, if I can make somebody laugh and think at the same time, I consider myself successful
Gail, I know that's part of what he wants but since I often process my feelings through writing, denying him would simply stifle me.

Que Sera Sera

Woody (Tokin Librul/Rogue Scholar/ Helluvafella!) said...

Long, long ago, in a Santa Fe that is no longer, there was a very, very cool hippie/artist bar on Canyon Road called "the Pisces Moon." It filled the place previously occupied by "Claude's," an even MORE legendary Canyon Road bar, where I sat one afternoon and watched and cheered as old John Carradine chugged half a fifth of bourbon, and started a fight with some biker guy...

Ah, good times, good times...

Legendary joint. The rockin' tarted early and lasted long.

Cops finally closed it because of complaints from the "locals."

Which made no sense, since we were ALL 'locals' in those days.

PENolan said...

Woody, as soon as one of us hits lotto, we're going to have to get together and swap stories.

And Gail - I worry about HCW being one of those people who get a rush when somebody hollers at them. I hope not, but you never know. I will always be charmed by an attention seeking rowdy boy, but those people are twisted and hurtful.

Hmmm . . . Charmed by an unruly, rowdy boy? Maybe that explains my attraction to Woody ;)

Liberality said...

blame it on the moon? okay, why not

Comrade Kevin said...

Sore losers are what those conservatives are right now. And having been indoctrinated with all or nothing thinking, they can't accept compromise in any form.

As for narcissists, I understand how fun it might be to analyze them, but that road has always led to ruin for me.

Utah Savage said...

Well sister stoner, I am on the road to becoming an activist again. I have come full circle. I will demonstrate and agitate for reform and sanity. I know, that's rich, since we all know I am insane, still they are a hell of a lot crazier than I. I worked with MoveOn to hold a vigil and demonstrate our support for a public option in healthcare reform. It was more successful than I dared to dream and today I was in a picture in the paper with hundreds of other lefty Utahans. We only had four days to pull it off.

So, you have a rowdy narcissist stalking your blog? And you like this I take it. Very interesting. Do I detect a little ambivalence about telling him to fuck off? Are you bored, things going too well?

The job sounds great. Congratulations. Start indoctrinating, fast.

PENolan said...

Sometimes I like it; sometimes I don't. Depends on the interpretation of du jour. Today I don't even care about that man because I'm having free floating anxiety and generalized fear about the future.

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