In my spare time, I've been paralyzed by fear and anxiety.
Money is almost certainly part of the problem since making more money is an imperative right now. My new job doesn't pay as much as my old job because I only work 25 hours per week. I consider myself lucky to have full benefits and all this time to pursue personal projects - but these projects are going to have to generate some income.
If I could follow my own inclinations without the worry of generating income, most likely I would spend the next several months indulging my senses. I'd create something occasionally to entertain myself, and I would maintain a reasonably healthy lifestyle that includes lots of fresh fruit and pleasant walks in the park. I'm not going to speculate on what I would do if I hit lotto.
The fact is that if I hit lotto I would still want to accomplish the same personal goals that I want to accomplish when I'm broke. It's just that now, I feel like I have to make some money.
Not a shit load of money. Just enough to meet my expenses without depending on anyone else, to have some savings and a bit of extra money for small indulgences - like going to Austin to visit my friends and getting new snow boots for the winter.
I'm pretty sure this fear and anxiety is why I've been busting into tears periodically. Not extended crying jags - just a few moments of concentrated sobbing once or twice a day. It's worse when I wish somebody were here to give me a hug and tell me everything will work out okay. I suppose everyone wishes for that kind of comfort - and even if I had a loving partner or my parents were on hand or I was surrounded by my friends, other people can't really convince you that everything will be okay.
I don't feel isolated or lonely, although I will admit to being at loose ends without Velvet around sucking all the oxygen out of the air. The thing is that Velvet has provided me with an enormous excuse for not pursuing my own goals all these years, and without him at the center of my world 24/7, I have no one to blame but myself when I can't seem to focus on anything except stupid video games on Pogo.com.
For years I've been playing solitaire or mahjong on Pogo.com while I monitored the activities of Velvet and his friends in the living room. Pogo and The Sims also got me through my divorce. At the moment, these endless variations on computer solitaire are helping me cope with fear and anxiety. I don't for a moment suppose my fears are different from anyone else's, but that doesn't make me any less paralyzed.
I had these worries when Velvet was here, and the quiet is helping me center myself in my Self - which is a good thing. Maybe people just need to turn off their brains every now and then as part of the process of regrouping, refocusing and regaining their energy. G*d knows my brain hasn't been turned off in my sleep because my dreams have been vivid and illuminating.
Last night I found myself high above a crowd at a stadium on a foot-wide plank of plywood with a few other people. We were supposed to be doing simple stunts or leading cheers. All I could do was hang on for dear life until some experienced fellow appeared from thin air there on the plank and I saw there was a net below us. I woke up before performing any amazing feats, but the odd thing is that I vaguely remember thinking in the dream that if I got stuck, I could always make the crowd cheer by showing my tits.
In another dream, I was watering the garden in my family's backyard - although nobody I know ever had a back yard with such a giant flower garden - and a neighbor woman wandered in asking for Spanish tomatoes. We had divine tomatoes, but they weren't Spanish so she turned up her nose at them. I scooped them out of her hands and sent her away, making snide remarks about her under my breath to my mother.
All in all, I'd have to say these are encouraging dreams and straight forward enough so that there is no need to spend much time wondering about an interpretation. However, it makes for restless, fitful sleep which doesn't help relieve the fear and anxiety and probably exacerbates busting into tears.
Today, I'm going to try to be kind to myself and remember that it's only the second week of Life without Velvet and that the last couple of months have been filled with transformational events such as turning 50, getting fired, realizing I'm responsible for putting my own money into my own bank account, putting my kid in college and starting a new job. In fact, that I've remained emotionally stable throughout the process without any meds is actually an accomplishment in itself given that I was heavily medicated for 13 or 14 years on account of depression and mood swings. I may occasionally give into tears for a few minutes, but that seems to go with this territory. Under the circumstances, playing a few computer games while I've been incrementally taking care of business isn't such a crime.
I'm sure the folks at Pogo.com would agree. If I'm lucky, maybe I'll hit that $4,999 jackpot when I win a game and get the bonus spin.
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