The good news is that this episode did not involve weed in any way shape or form. He hasn't bought any weed ever since he spent all his ready money replacing a bong he accidentally busted over at Hookah House. I don't know when kids started using $150 bongs, but apparently it's de rigueur in some circles. Velvet himself has a fancy, hand blown glass bong with an ice chamber which was given to him by Dolphin, the little fellow who followed him home from fair week end at Hippie Dippie Quaker Camp last summer and spent an excessive number of days hanging around on my sofa in his boxer shorts. I can't say that I approve, but at the moment expensive paraphernalia is the least of my worries.
It all started last week over at Hookah House, the fraternity where Velvet was king of the Halloween party. Before dawn last Tuesday, Velvet and FP, a freshman pledge at Hookah House, got a wild hair up their butts and decided to steal the letters off Doucher House. According to Velvet, The Douchers are a bunch of cocaine snorting, steroid taking loudmouths who like to lord it over everyone. FP and Velvet were inspired to this action after a night of drinking Budweiser. I don't know where the more mature brothers were. Sleeping soundly, I suppose. They certainly were not around to discourage the concept, so Velvet and FP found a screwdriver and proceeded down the street to Doucher House.
They had to climb up onto the first floor roof at the Doucher House in order to get the letters, which were attached to the second story. Velvet and FP easily removed the first two letters, but they couldn’t reach the third. The job could not be considered a success until they removed the final letter, so the boys went back to Hookah House and got a stepladder. It was about 5:00 in the morning when they hauled that ladder up onto the roof of Doucher House.
Velvet was on the ladder unscrewing the third letter while FP supervised. The pair apparently made such a clatter that the Doucher president looked out his window to see what was the matter. Seeing vandals on the roof, he raised a hue and cry. The Doucher Chief charged out the door in his underwear followed by four brothers and a chase ensued. FP got away and felt very bad for abandoning Velvet who ran as fast as he could toward Hookah House, but carrying the ladder slowed him down. He only thought to drop it when the Douchers caught up to him. After the Douchers tackled Velvet and commenced pounding, one of them picked the dang ladder up and proceeded to beat Velvet’s ass with it.
Velvet kicked and hollered in self-defense. The Doucher Chief finally pinned Velvet to the ground, started choking him and demanded to know his name. Velvet told him that he couldn't breathe and couldn't talk which convinced the Doucher Chief to stop choking him. With windpipes properly cleared, Velvet hollered with sufficient vigor to rouse the cops. In their wisdom, Big Beautiful Private University built the campus police station across the street from Hookah House. The University DPS responded so rapidly that they may have already been en route.
In what can only be described as a grotesque miscarriage of justice, the police drove the Douchers home in comfort and arrested Velvet. He was handcuffed and everything. If the story I got is accurate, Velvet was charged with Petty Larceny, but the real reason he got arrested is that when the University DPS asked Velvet to give them the name of his friend, he refused. He said, “I don’t have to tell you because you’re not real police.”
They said, “That’s right. We’re not real police, but we can put you in handcuffs until they get here.” While they were all waiting for the Real Cops, one of the arresting DPS officers arranged for Velvet to get medical attention since one of the Douchers had smacked him with the step ladder, and she wanted to make sure Velvet didn’t have a concussion. Thanks to her, there is medical documentation to corroborate Velvet’s version of events on the morning in question.
I heard this whole tale from Velvet his own self last night. As it happened, last Sunday afternoon I decided that Velvet's freshman experience was such that we needed to seriously discuss the concept of college. I can't remember why I came to this conclusion last Sunday, but I called Velvet to say that I didn't want to talk about it on the phone and asked him is he preferred for me to come up to Tree Hugger or if he wanted to come home. He wanted to come home. He and I were in the process of arranging for his train tickets when he told me about shattering the $150 bong. I have to say that between the Bong Busting and the Gas Mask Episode, I was seriously considering changing his name to Bong Boy.
With luck, Velvet will finally get the idea that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. He freely admits that he deserved a beating at the hands of the Douchers - which I personally dispute since he was not on their property at the time of the assault. Anyone from Texas knows that you are only allowed to shoot people who are fully on your property. Five guys don't chase one skinny dumb ass a few blocks.
Clearly the Douchers should also have been arrested, but it's important that Velvet witnessed first hand that cops show favoritism to The Establishment. Hookah House is the black sheep of Fraternity Row. They were fined and put on social probation last semester because their own president passed out on their front yard after homecoming. When the cops rousted the young man, he asked them if he was sleeping in a pot plant. Apparently the campus cops at Big Beautiful Private University, to which Tree Hugger is attached, are willing to overlook drinking from future Wall Street executives but get all punitive when scruffy stoners are involved. This sad fact of life is something Velvet needed to experience for himself.
Buzz Kill's anxiety over this situation has reached elevated levels. He is convinced that Velvet will be expelled and sent to jail for thirty days, managing to accumulate several thousand dollars of legal bills along the way. I told him to stop pissing on himself and start working on getting a copy of that medical report. It seems to me that the campus police and/or The Douchers might see their way clear to drop the charges of Petty Larceny against Velvet given the campus police clearly showed favoritism to a pack of marauding douchebags who beat my child with a step ladder. Furthermore, the letters have been returned unharmed. In fact, the only harm done during the whole scenario was to Velvet.
The Man from San Antone, a lawyer from a family of lawyers, says Velvet does not need an attorney at this time. He has confidence in my ability to manage admirably given that the whole thing is absolutely asinine. I'm just thankful that Velvet's hair had started to grow back at the time of his arrest. He had been sporting a Friar Tuck for some days after loosing a bet on the basketball games. He bet that Butler would go all the way. It would have been entirely too much if he'd been arrested with a Friar Tuck. As it was, he was simply rocking an exceedingly close cropped crew.
Commander Data with a Friar Tuck hair cut
The next task is preparing Velvet for his Judicial Review. Given that the manchild was already on academic probation, there is undoubtedly cause for concern over his study habits. Although I'm sure everything will turn out fine, we'll all be nervous until we see for sure that Velvet will be allowed to return to school in the fall. We’ll be nervous until he presents himself before the Judge, too.
Now that he's been arrested for Douchebag harassment, I'm stumped as to the boy's new handle - but there is no denying that he is outgrowing the name of Velvet. He's been Velvet since about 10th grade as a result of statements he made to Rhet that sounded remarkably like Velvet thought pimping out his mother (that would be me) was a good way to make a few bucks. He wasn't suggesting sending me out on the streets. He thought that The Man from San Antone would slip him $100 any time The Man visited HQ. Notably, that has never occurred in Real Life. While listening to the child's fantasy, it occurred to Rhet that he sounded a lot like Velvet Jones, an Eddy Murphy character from Saturday Night Live. The man child has been Velvet ever since, but I'm thinking those innocent days are gone.
Meanwhile, that boy needs to find a summer job.
UPDATE: Velvet is on Disciplinary Probation as long as he remains at Tree Hugger. That means he will be totally suspended if he ever gets in trouble with the City Cops again. He also had to perform 50 hours of community service. When he went before the Judge later in the summer, she ruled that all charges will be dismissed in six months as long as keeps his nose clean. She required 35 hours of community service, and she was happy to accept the 50 he had already completed for the school.