I've been thinking about signing up for Match dot com, again. Only this time - I'll tell the truth (mostly) and watch what happens.
The last time I was on Match, I wound up deleting nearly 1200 profiles because I got an attitude about men who were older than me who stated for the record that they were only interested in younger women (Stonerdate 01.27.09). For the uninitiated, it's not like they wrote a paragraph about the attractions of nubile females. When anyone fills out a Match profile, s/he has to give age parameters for their prospective matches. You click an age on a drop down menu. Men who are only looking to get laid tend to put 80 years old at the top of their age range. Women don't usually do that because some horny old geezer will start winking incessantly.
I don't have an issue with personal preferences. We all have them. I do, however, have an issue with people who don't have enough sense to be polite about those preferences on the internet. Using myself as an example, when I think of dating someone, I have an idea in my head of what race, height, weight and age he might be - but I'm not going to post it on the internet - not because I'm scrupulously politically correct but because what if some fabulous guy was put off because I'd nixed extremely tall or short, skinny, Asians, Arabs, East Indians and Puerto Ricans, Muslims, Jews and Non-Denominational Christians?
This time, I'm thinking I'll quote my favorite Todd Snider song and state for the record that I'm a Tree Hugging, Peace Loving, Pot Smoking, Porn Watching, Lazy-Assed Hippie who has an attitude about men who say they aren't interested in women their own age - because I think they're most likely delusional bastards with such unrealistic, egocentric expectations it's no wonder they never got married. Maybe that's a little harsh, but I figure if I link to the blog, anyone who is remotely curious will get a picture of who I am pretty quickly. And besides, if they're scared off by a simple opinion, they may as well keep trolling profiles for a sweet, compliant woman who never got married either and doesn't know that lots of things are worse than being alone.
There's a bit of nostalgia behind my current Match dot com idea. I'm settling in to the notion that it really is my last year in New York City. There are things I've been meaning to do - like go to the Guggenheim and the Whitney, for example. Restaurants I've been meaning to try. Stuff like that. I've got plenty of girl friends who would be happy to go with me. They might even join me for Drinking Liberally one Thursday night - which is something else I've been meaning to do but haven't done.
I'm not looking to get up to my ass involved with someone - but there's something appealing about a relaxed, casual relationship with somebody who thinks I'm lovely and talented. For the most part, the only people who think I'm lovely and talented are lesbians and gays. I think they're lovely and talented, too, but when dating, sexual preferences have to be taken into account. I wouldn't rule out dating a woman - who knows? But that's the last thing I'd write on Match because it would sound like I'm bi-sexual, and straight men lose their shit entirely over busty bisexuals.
I'm not saying I'm bisexual, of course. I would never say that on the internet. But I am saying, here on the blog anyway, that I wouldn't rule out dating a woman. I'm just not going to actively pursue a woman like I used to be willing to chase a man. I'm not willing to chase anybody anymore.
Truthfully, I have to wonder if I've got the energy for Match. The entire process is sort of like shopping at Loehman's or Daffy's. Generally, you're digging through overpriced rejects - but occasionally, you find a gem. A warm, cozy sweater in just the right color, or pair of shoes that is sexy and comfortable.
It could happen.
If all goes according to Plan A, I'll be able to use one of Dr. Von Monkerstien's illustrations for a profile pic. Dr Von Monkerstein (Monkey Muck) is working on a graphic novel, and he's got a character in mind for me. I'm not sure how much of his idea is currently Top Secret, so I'll only say that the term MILF was used.
I have always aspired to be a MILF, although I guess I'm getting a bit long in the tooth to be one in real life. One of the reasons I don't have a problem with wearing Mom Jeans despite the collective disdain toward Mom Jeans in the fashion world is that the first word in MILF is MOM. What should a mom wear besides mom jeans? There's a lot to be said for accepting yourself and having a great time as you are instead of dieting yourself into a nervous breakdown just so you can look like a 25 year old who never had a baby - especially since even if your body is that small and tight, reality is in the wrinkles, stretch marks and random facial hair.
If I start feeling insecure, I just remember what Popeye says:
I yam what I yam and that's all that I yam.
Sounds like a good way to start a dating profile to me.