Sunday, July 18, 2010

Of Popeye and Profiles

I think I must be regaining my sense of humor.
I've been thinking about signing up for Match dot com, again. Only this time - I'll tell the truth (mostly) and watch what happens.

The last time I was on Match, I wound up deleting nearly 1200 profiles because I got an attitude about men who were older than me who stated for the record that they were only interested in younger women (Stonerdate 01.27.09). For the uninitiated, it's not like they wrote a paragraph about the attractions of nubile females. When anyone fills out a Match profile, s/he has to give age parameters for their prospective matches. You click an age on a drop down menu. Men who are only looking to get laid tend to put 80 years old at the top of their age range. Women don't usually do that because some horny old geezer will start winking incessantly.

I don't have an issue with personal preferences. We all have them. I do, however, have an issue with people who don't have enough sense to be polite about those preferences on the internet. Using myself as an example, when I think of dating someone, I have an idea in my head of what race, height, weight and age he might be - but I'm not going to post it on the internet - not because I'm scrupulously politically correct but because what if some fabulous guy was put off because I'd nixed extremely tall or short, skinny, Asians, Arabs, East Indians and Puerto Ricans, Muslims, Jews and Non-Denominational Christians?

This time, I'm thinking I'll quote my favorite Todd Snider song and state for the record that I'm a Tree Hugging, Peace Loving, Pot Smoking, Porn Watching, Lazy-Assed Hippie who has an attitude about men who say they aren't interested in women their own age - because I think they're most likely delusional bastards with such unrealistic, egocentric expectations it's no wonder they never got married. Maybe that's a little harsh, but I figure if I link to the blog, anyone who is remotely curious will get a picture of who I am pretty quickly. And besides, if they're scared off by a simple opinion, they may as well keep trolling profiles for a sweet, compliant woman who never got married either and doesn't know that lots of things are worse than being alone.

There's a bit of nostalgia behind my current Match dot com idea. I'm settling in to the notion that it really is my last year in New York City. There are things I've been meaning to do - like go to the Guggenheim and the Whitney, for example. Restaurants I've been meaning to try. Stuff like that. I've got plenty of girl friends who would be happy to go with me. They might even join me for Drinking Liberally one Thursday night - which is something else I've been meaning to do but haven't done.

I'm not looking to get up to my ass involved with someone - but there's something appealing about a relaxed, casual relationship with somebody who thinks I'm lovely and talented. For the most part, the only people who think I'm lovely and talented are lesbians and gays. I think they're lovely and talented, too, but when dating, sexual preferences have to be taken into account. I wouldn't rule out dating a woman - who knows? But that's the last thing I'd write on Match because it would sound like I'm bi-sexual, and straight men lose their shit entirely over busty bisexuals.

I'm not saying I'm bisexual, of course. I would never say that on the internet. But I am saying, here on the blog anyway, that I wouldn't rule out dating a woman. I'm just not going to actively pursue a woman like I used to be willing to chase a man. I'm not willing to chase anybody anymore.

Truthfully, I have to wonder if I've got the energy for Match. The entire process is sort of like shopping at Loehman's or Daffy's. Generally, you're digging through overpriced rejects - but occasionally, you find a gem. A warm, cozy sweater in just the right color, or pair of shoes that is sexy and comfortable.

It could happen.
If all goes according to Plan A, I'll be able to use one of Dr. Von Monkerstien's illustrations for a profile pic. Dr Von Monkerstein (Monkey Muck) is working on a graphic novel, and he's got a character in mind for me. I'm not sure how much of his idea is currently Top Secret, so I'll only say that the term MILF was used.

I have always aspired to be a MILF, although I guess I'm getting a bit long in the tooth to be one in real life. One of the reasons I don't have a problem with wearing Mom Jeans despite the collective disdain toward Mom Jeans in the fashion world is that the first word in MILF is MOM. What should a mom wear besides mom jeans? There's a lot to be said for accepting yourself and having a great time as you are instead of dieting yourself into a nervous breakdown just so you can look like a 25 year old who never had a baby - especially since even if your body is that small and tight, reality is in the wrinkles, stretch marks and random facial hair.

If I start feeling insecure, I just remember what Popeye says:

I yam what I yam and that's all that I yam.

Sounds like a good way to start a dating profile to me.


Punch said...

Ok, lets see now:
you know the drill
Number 1ne thing - you never lose a sense of humor.
Number 2wo thing - horney ol' geezer is a state of mind.
Number 3hree thing - I must make note of the fact you did not seem to include average height, pudgie, non-denominational, bad spellin' lazy ass, holes.
Number 3hree thing - a lot of things are worse that being alone.
Number 4our thing - (this might sound critical, sorry) I have spent a total of 13 days in NYC. And manage to make the Guggenheim and the Whitney twice. The Whitney was a joy. I was there the first year it opened. (see why I sensitive about geezers) One must go to the Guggenheim for the art and to see what not to do in the design of a muesum for the display of art.
Number 5ive thing - Drinking Liberally with the girls. Yeah buddy I could find at least one Thrusday for that activity.
Number 6ix thing - you seem to think losing one's shit entirely over busty bisexuals is not a good thing.
Number 7even thing - ok, ok, you'er not bi, (ahem) what about the busty part? (ahem) nevermind.
Number 8ight thing - Good luck with the Match dot thing.

PENolan said...

Okay, Punch - to clarify:
#4 I haven't been to either the Whitney or the Guggenheim recently. I'm sorry to say, though, that's it's been years. I can practically see the Guggenheim from my terrace, and I haven't been since the renovation.

If I were only here for a couple of weeks, I'd haul ass over there. Since I live here, I wind up putting it off and taking a nap.

#7 I am no more or less bi-sexual than anyone else. I'm merely exploring alternatives. As for busty - my statcounter clearly shows exactly what photos you've downloaded from this blog - Jaded, too - so I'm not saying anything else about it - except that I really do love men.

Note about Geezers: I define Geezer as about 75 years old. Horny can be a good thing as long as it's not a nuisance.

Distributorcap said...

since i have been told i have to read your blog - i am here - and also go to a reading of yours (from Utah and Tengrain and Fairlane)

and if you want someone to go to the Guggenheim with - well i havent been there in years.

and from my window all i see is a Con Ed parking lot and a bit of Trader Joes

as for drinking liberally on thursdays - i like that and even on fridays - mother burger on 49th actually has cheap beers, a decent burger and nice place to sit outside in worldwide plaza

and what is wrong with a friend? i hope at least you have met some nice people at match

Jennifer said...

Funny, I've been thinking about jumping into that process again lately too, although as you say it requires a level of energy (and "shopping" is how I've always described it too) is not sure I'm prepared to get into. I'm one of those seemingly rare women who doesn't define alone as a bad thing.

It's the sifting and sorting and it can be demoralizing, one guy actually had a mathematical quotient your body's measurements and weight had to fit into before he'd even respond to your smile. I was wishing at the time the site had an "up yours" icon to send blokes like him.

But I have met a couple of fun long term friends that way and one terrific lover. And your straightforward Popeye approach has got me thinking. At the very least, wading through the muck could produce some funny blogging!

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

I'm a 47 yr old straight guy who thinks you're lovely and talented. That's why you're going to be in the graphic novel.

Jaliya said...

Ah, yes ... random facial hair. I had a run-in with mine this morning. I have a family gathering to attend today, and I need to make sure that one THICK black hair sprouting out of my chin doesn't scare the kiddies! :-D

You need to have a word with my man. He's only 58 and he's already calling himself a geezer!

"I yam what I yam" ... Yes! Take me or leave me ... as I am. Sweet relief to imagine even the possibility of little or no bullshit! Keb' Mo' has a great song about this ... It's called, "You Don't Have To Shave Your Legs For Me" (or some such ... but that line grabbed me! I hate shaving my legs! ... but must, today, for the party ... poolside, ya know!)

I'd love to come down there and hit the Guggenheim with you and be one of your drinking buddies.

WTF ... We all end up as geezers, if we live that long! I'll be nodding off my mortal coil, I'm sure, with Pink Floyd's "Us and Them" blaring through my brain and sending me off into the ether on the sexiest sax riffs ever recorded. Amen!

Don't forget, if you create a Match profile for yourself, about your musical tastes! (I've had to become acquainted, then friendly, with opera ... and my husband has had to hear some pretty far-out jazz. It all works out in the end.)


jadedj said...

Whoa. "As for busty - my statcounter clearly shows exactly what photos you've downloaded from this blog - Jaded, too -"

How did I get mixed up in this?

I'm just sitting here catching up on favorites, having copious amounts of coffee, shucking and jiving into the day...and enjoying your banter with yourself...and name used in vain. Not to mention in the same breath as that *old geezer*, Punch. Geez.

PENolan said...

D-Cap, What a great idea.
I'll be tracking you down.

Jennifer - another great idea. We can get drunk and tweet about it.

It's my tough luck,Doctor, that you're married. Jaded is married too. Turned out my last boyfriend was married, too. Technically, anyway. *sigh*

Jaliya - as it happens, I have that record of Keb'Mo's - oops CD. Showing my age, again.

As for Match, I'm not convinced I'll do it because I'd have to pony up 75 bucks for the pleasure. That's a lot of weed, even at today's prices.

dissed said...

I'm wide-eyed with wonder. I have never, could never. Don't know why, but there's a solid mental block when it comes to online meet/date. It's not that I expect to trip over one, or that anyone's throwing himself into my path. A learned excess of caution, perhaps. Will have to give this some thought, which is probably the whole problem. By the time I've analyzed it, I'll be up there with the geezers.

PENolan said...

Shucks, Jaded,
I'm just ribbing ya about the tits.
I am sincerely sorry about lumping you together with Punch, although I shouldn't be disrespectful to Punch since I might go out with him some day. Stranger things have happened.

dissed - Match can be fun if you've got minimal expectations. It can be astounding, too, but like Jennifer says, it makes for great stories.

Lisa said...

Listen, I'd date you, but imagine the heads exploding at the thought of two busty bisexuals.

I so wish I could hook you up with my friend Mr. Variety of Cheeses. Just for casual companionship, of course.

And finally, definitely meet up with DCap if you get a chance. I've met him and he's pretty dang wonderful.

PENolan said...

Lisa, I wish we could put our cups together in the service of the progressive agenda and make heads across Congress explode.

On another note, Mr. Cheese could be just the ticket. As for D-Cap, I've initiated facebook contact.

jadedj said...

So I can keep the photos?

As to the possibility of going out with Punch...I am told he is a cheap date, but you probably should establish before hand just how much you are willing to spend on him. A tip - a bottle of red Manischewitz in a brown bag, is usually enough.

PENolan said...

Sheesh, Jaded. Now I'm worried about what he was looking at on his computer when the Jehova's witnesses showed up at the door and interrupted him.

Beach Bum said...

...delusional bastards with such unrealistic, egocentric expectations...

If it ain't already apparent from the stuff I write I'm at best a blue collar type and at worst a redneck but I did have a conversation with several of my lawyer wife's IRS buddies one time that was weird.

My wife worked at the IRS for several years before she meet me and we did a trip to DC a short time before we were married to see them and a few family members of her's in the area. At the IRS we all went out to lunch, both the guys and the gals and like normal, I guess, the conversation separated along gender lines.

The IRS guys were all very professional and highly educated but none were married. Their view of the "perfect women" was from some fantasy realm that honestly about made me laugh out loud. One guy dropped a lady because he disliked her dog, other than that she was great. I could go on but the other examples would seem even crazier. The funny thing is that once the conversations merged again the ladies were not much better.

After all those years only one of two of the guys ever got married but all the ladies did.

Jaliya said...

$75?? PASS! ;-D

Jennifer said...

Beach Bum: it's this increasingly shallow culture, the "instant everything," available wherever you want to spend your money. And the "shopping list" nature of dating sites doesn't help. The most expensive one, eHarmony is the worst, because they promise you marriage to the love of your life. Who can even expect to get a date when those are the parameters? A few did, and they got on tv commercials. All the rest are standing there wondering what their hundred bucks got them - they filled out the questionnaire. Where is my pre-fab Mr. Perfect?

MK said...

Plenty of Fish is free...

PENolan said...

MK: I did POF - that's where I met the infamous wall street rock star, Sensualking who was mentioned in the link I used in the above post to 975 Removed Profiles and a Shapeshifting Goat. Also met The Artist From the South of France who started well but fizzled out rapidly.
Great stories - lousy dates. POF was like the same 40 guys over and over again. I would consider it, however.

Beach: Jenn is right about those shopping lists. I'm betting that at least half the women married the most likely candidate available when they were ready to breed. That biological clock has instigated many marriages - maybe even my own.

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