Monday, November 29, 2010

Aspects of Mother

When he was still in high school, Velvet and a buddy were watching Snakes on a Plane and said that I could easily play the Samuel L. Jackson role.  I'm not sure what prompted the remark, but I found it gratifying.

It may be true Samuel L. Jackson shows up on a movie set, says "motherfucker," collects his check and goes home, but during that time, he radiates authority and competence with a little bit of crazy. These are good qualities for a mother to have - and I mean mother as in a woman with a child not as in Motherfucker.

Naturally, I have a variety of parental shortcomings. The one Velvet finds most annoying, besides my tendency to oversimplify, is looking to him for an explanation of of The Narcissist's behavior.  I don't do it all the time, but I've done it enough for him to tell me it's annoying.

At first, I was very reserved about even mentioning that fellow because there's something sort of pathetic about discussing your adult relationships with your child. I've been extra careful about that with regard to Buzz Kill but since Velvet has witnessed more than a few theatrical arguments between me and Buzz Kill, explanations were occasionally in order. I have never, ever spilled my guts to Velvet about The Narcissist either because after 15 years of therapy, I know better than to parentify my child.

However, when The Narcissist and I broke up a couple of years ago, I cried in my room for days. Again, a bit of explanation was in order.  The conversation drifted into questionable territory, though, because Velvet has a tendency to get mouthy with his opinions. Once he started cultivating his whiskers, he was merciless in his critique of my behaviors which blew all my good intentions to shit. I had to stand and defend.

In a way, it's been good for Velvet to view the complexities of a Male-Female relationship playing out in his living room.  It's as if he's watching a cross between Lifetime TV and an After School Special that presents my one-sided, PG-13 version since he and The Narcissist never laid eyes on each other. There was a time when I was tempted to introduce them, but I fully believe that there is absolutely no reason to bring your romantic interests into the life of your child unless it has been well established that the person is, in fact, serious and as permanent as anyone ever gets. Kids have enough trouble when their parents have gone through a divorce.

Further, it's not like I was asking Velvet what I should do about The Narcissist. I would tell Velvet about an incident and he would assess my behavior to determine if That Guy's reactions were justifiable from the perspective of someone with whiskers. I needed to say, "Can you believe this shit?" to someone, and Velvet was the only person in sight. I have to say, "Can you believe this shit,?" about politics and/or current events all the time. Like when MTV fixed it so kids could text donations to Haiti after the earthquake but didn't make a single arrangement for the souls our government continues to destroy daily in Afghanistan.

Perhaps that is why Velvet has come to the conclusion that I'm a Klingon.

According to Velvet, Men don't like women who can walk up to a man and say, "You're a pussy!" bust him upside the head and then dare him to prove her wrong.  He may be right, but I don't know where Velvet got the idea that I'm like that since he's never actually seen me date anyone.  He's seen me and his father, for sure, and I can't deny that most everyone in the world would concur that I stomped the shit out of his father -but that was only after everything else had failed.  Up until then, I was patient, understanding and compliant.

Being compared to a Klingon Female is just as gratifying as being compared to Samuel L. Jackson.  The Klingon Bird of Prey aspect is a little unflattering since it makes me seem predatory or imperialistic, but I'm willing to concede that my tenacity might seem kind of fierce to someone on the receiving end, especially if I'm proving a point.  I never thought of it as Predatory, though.  I thought I was Relentless.  In any case, I'm very glad that my son thinks I'm as powerful as a Klingon Warrior.  I wish he'd have said Sarah Connor from Terminator, however, but Velvet believes I have been less than helpful when it comes to teaching him how to shoot.  Apparently I've been falling down on the job now that he's decided he'd rather be a Revolutionary than a DJ at Raves.

I doubt that Velvet would think that Sarah Connor is the ideal mother despite her arsenal, but like Samuel L. Jackson and the Klingons, she is Capable, Authoritative and a little bit Crazy which is a good combination when you're putting together a team to go off the grid.  It's a good combination for a preschool teacher, too.

Notably, Sarah Connor never had any romantic interests in The Terminator.  I'm thinking that Velvet may prefer it that, not counting the episode with the preacher, there's only been one romantic interest in my life since the divorce and that's with a man he never met when we were together and who won't talk to me now.  Velvet doesn't seem to mind Buzz Kill's girl friend at all - so I'm thinking he doesn't consider her any sort of competition.  Or maybe Velvet believes that if there's ever any trouble, I'll kick her ass too.   Either way, I'm pretty sure Velvet likes the idea of me being so much of a Klingon that men are chicken to date me.

I'm not sure if the photos of me in Dr. Von Monkerstein's soon to be released graphic novel, Hip Deep, Mountain High will have any impact on Velvet's opinions or not.  I've told him that I'm the model for a Boozy MILF in a graphic novel, and he thought that was kind of cool.  I'm afraid that the reality might be kind of appalling.  I originally figured he'd never see it anyway.  Sadly, once my mother hears about it, and she eventually will, Velvet may be confronted an illustration showing his mother from a very different perspective.

The photos aren't tacky, but they are certainly cheese cakey and my cleavage always shows even when an outfit isn't overly revealing.  I've been thinking that there might be a way to arrange for a percentage of the sales of Hip Deep. Mountain High to help finance the Rebel Alliance.  If we're going to resist our corporate overlords, we're going to need to raise some funds, and I've always liked the idea of using Tits for the Progressive Agenda.

This is one of the photos my dear friend VeryMissMary shot specifically for Hip Deep, Mountain High.  A couple of installments are already available at the dedicated blog, Hip Deep, Mountain High.  There's a link to the story at the Facebook page, and Steve, aka Dr. Von Monkerstein, mentions it occasionally at his main blog Monkey Muck.  He'll probably monkey with this photo when he gets up to the milfy part.


AnnoyingJoe said...

How hot are female Klingons?

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Thanks for the shout out and the plug. If you're a Klingon, then I'd love to get caught in your tractor beam someday.

PENolan said...

Shucks, Doctor.
And I mean it about Tits for the Resistance or something. We can figure it out once we get a good acronym.

Annoying Joe, Apparently they're too hot to handle in real life. Makes me want to cry.

Gail said...

Great comaparisons - loved all the similarities. I align with Sigourney Weaver in Aliens. :-) You are way cool and the best Samuel L. Jackson female and Klingon I will ever know.

Love you

PENolan said...

Sigourney Weaver was great in that movie, Gail. And you're way cool your own self.

Susan Tiner said...

I have never seen you date anyone either but don't find Velvet's conclusion at all surprising. Now, whether he's right that men don't like that in a woman, I can't say for sure. Maybe at his age. I mean I'm guessing cupcake didn't get her name by acting like a Klingon. But moms probably shouldn't be cupcakes.

PENolan said...

Susan,when it comes to dating, I'm actually kind of a Cupcake which probably explains how I managed to be engaged six times. It's astonishing to me how Velvet can speak for Men, but from what I've seen, none of us are all that different than when we were in college. Not when it comes to our hurts and fears.

Jaliya said...

I want to be someone who shows up, says "motherfucker", gets paid for it, and gets something done just by saying "motherfucker."

I know what *I'm* getting done: I'm laughing myself stupid.

About a man who won't talk: Nothing on this earth will unhinge the jaw of a man who won't talk. Not even a Klingon Amazon. It might be fun trying to get a man to talk while under cover as a Klingon Amazon, though ...

One thing I know for sure: Velvet's going to love you and *love* you all your life long.

That photo of you ... wicked!

Jaliya said...

P.S. What I have in common with my college-days self (28 yrs. ago!!): a penchant for remembering pathetic Klingon jokes that still make me ROFL:

Q. What's similar between the USS Enterprise and a roll of toilet paper?

A. Both circle Uranus in search of Klingons!

PENolan said...

Jaliya, I swear that man is on his way to becoming a running gag in my life like Murphy Brown's secretary. Or maybe I'm becoming like Sally on the Dick Van Dyke show and my dating life is a running gag. I figure that he may never talk to me again as long as I live, but since I continue to learn from the interplay, that's just how God planned it.

PS: I still love Star Trek.

Teeluck said...

You are a cross between a Hot Klingon female and Sarah O'connor...I like that :)

Beach Bum said...

...he radiates authority and competence with a little bit of crazy.

If only Obama could channel a little of Samuel.

...he'd have said Sarah Connor...

Yeah, I dated a woman while in the army who was into guns and survival stuff. She was hot and fun to be around but when she went all Unibomber on me I had to break up with her.

PENolan said...

Teeluck, it's kind of you to say so - and since we've had lunch in real life, you happen to be able to determine if there is a grain of truth in my son's observation. I may have to take you out this time, ply you with alcohol and get you to tell me the truth. Probably should wait until AFTER work this time.

Beach, I just wish I had Sarah Connor's arms. She's much more single minded than I could ever be. On a side note, when the Unibomber's manifesto came out in the Times some years ago, I was talking about it with my psychiatrist who said I was not really afraid I about being like the Unibomber. I was afraid that I'm the UniFucker.
Silly old Freudian . . .

Jennifer said...

I don't know - I think you're the hottest one up there. But them I'm a passivist.

I better like the idea of Tits for Resistance. I'd join. Maybe it could lead us down the road to revolution. And better dates.

PENolan said...

Jenn - It can't hurt and who knows where it might lead. I'm liking the idea better every day.

Teeluck said...

Tits for Resistance...that won't work...I can't see myself resisting anyone's tits :)
Hey, we should plan to meet at a Drinking Liberally thing :)

PENolan said...

Great idea, T

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