Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Making it up as You Go Along

VeryMissMary and I are at her little house in Connecticut.  We got in just after mid-night last night because we stopped at the Mall in Danbury.  We both had a few things on our lists, but I was most eager to visit the Chanel counter at Lord &Taylor for new mascara.  I should have gotten some a few weeks ago, but there's no Chanel in my neighborhood, and I refused to go the the new Sephora across the street from my apartment.  I didn't feel like going down to Bergdorf's either, so I've been using up miscellaneous sample sizes from the bottom of my make up drawer.  Mary Kathryn accepted my insistence that nothing besides Chanel would do since Lancombe reformulated my favorite mascara so that now you have to use two separate products to get the same look you used to could get with a single swipe of the wand. Greedy bastards.

The next thing you know, Very Miss Mary got such a make-over from a brilliant stylist named Chaz that she bought every product he used on her face.  Even the eye cream.  I was held for ransom at the Chanel counter, too, but having played this game with Chanel before, I didn't need to get my credit limit increased.  VeryMissMary had to open a whole new account.  We looked nice, though, when we went stopped at the grocery store so we'd have yoghurt this morning.

Sadly, when we tried to turn on the heat, we discovered that there was a problem with the furnace in the basement.  We built a fire, put on our snuggies and called the oil company where the landlord has an account.  The technician arrived about 2:00 in the morning.  By that time, we were so cold that we were wearing hats in the house and I was looking for a hotel on Priceline.  Fortunately, the technician was successful, and we are grateful and comfortable.

In the process, however, VeryMissMary declared that my hat is one of the reasons I am un-dateable.   She wasn't making a random observation. She was contributing to an ongoing discussion since for most of the drive, I had been pondering all the reasons why I might be un-datable ever since that guy told me he'd rather catch up on his reading than meet me in person.

Velvet says it's because I have Zero-Tolerance for assholery, which may be true, but generally somebody will at least have coffee with me.  It's possible that this fellow learned enough via email to determine that there's no taming this shrew.  The thing is that even though I will call somebody on his/her bullshit now that I'm over 50, I'm fully accepting of human foibles and don't hold a grudge.  I'm even good-natured when somebody calls Bullshit on me.  At least, I'm good-natured once I've stomped and snorted for a little while.

I know this assessment is accurate because I go through it with Woody Konopelli.  Every now and then he can be an aggressive SOB when he's proving a point.  Despite both of our tendencies toward strong opinions and stronger language, Woody and I get along famously.  Maybe Woody is more evolved than many folks, and maybe that means I would have better results if I stuck to more mature men.

Maturity is not defined by age, of course.  It's more about having enough experience with Reality and Relationships to understand that there's no reason to sweat the small stuff.  Lots of people think they don't sweat the small stuff, but it turns out like they expect you to accept all their bullshit and your small stuff is intolerable.  Certainly some relationships face insurmountable difficulties - like me and Buzz Kill - but none of those issues Small Stuff.  It was major shit.  Sometimes you can even overcome major shit, but only if you're willing to make an effort that includes respecting the accuracy of each others perspectives.  It can get noisy while you're sorting things out - and some people aren't willing to listen to, much less accept, another person's point of view.  That's where effort and openess come into the equation.  It's not easy, but it's always worth the effort.

Driving for a morning is inconvenient, but not for the right friend and lover.   Then it's no trouble at all; it's just time management which is definitely Small Stuff.   But, some people must like their lives the way they are, and don't need to make efforts or take chances. Lots of people are afraid to take risks.  The Preacher took a big risk, and for that, I will always respect him.  It became clear very rapidly that there was no chance for Romance for lots of reasons - but that's okay.  We would have never known if we hadn't made an effort.  And the thing is that even if you think you know what you want from a relationship, you could wind up in a great relationship that's not a bit like the one you imagined for yourself.  You take your chances and figure it out as you go along.  Kind of like Indiana Jones.

It's really hard to hear from someone that you're not worth the effort.  I don't know if it's better or worse that he doesn't know me in real life at all.  What he actually said was that he doesn't have the time or the inclination for a long distance relationship.  I didn't consider 200 miles a long distance.  In fact, I thought it was just right - but then I need a lot of space and am very concerned with balancing intimacy and  independence.   I'm beginning to think that when you're older, you value your solitude in ways that seemed impossible when you're younger.

VeryMissMary still thinks it's the hat.  Apparently, men are more likely to date women who are dolled up like trophy whores than women with practical, utilitarian accessories - no matter who makes your lip stick.  She says that when women are as available as I am, men don't want them.  People want things they can't have, so women have to make men "work for it."  She's probably right, but that all seems wrong to me, although I have to say that it looks like the reason I fixate on that guy who won't talk to me is because he won't talk to me.  If I got mixed up with him, I'd remember why I broke up with him - but only if he hadn't matured over time.  When people are maturing and evolving, they still have all their idiosyncrasies, but they let go of old patterns and make room for growth.  Growth is good.  Instead of remembering why we broke up, we could remember why we were together. 

I'm getting used to the idea that when it comes to most men, I'm undatable.  When I was young and had all those fiancees, I was very dateable - but I also sublimated my own identity for the relationship.  I did that with The Guy Who Won't Talk to Me, too.  That's an effort I will not make anymore.

I like to think that I'm undatable because men see me as the kind of woman who, if he can make it through one weekend, he'll be fooling around with for years - but I like to think lots of things.  I clap because I believe in fairies, for crying out loud.

No matter what, though, it sucks to be the person on the receiving end of Nothing Personal.


Jennifer said...

I also think it's really sad, but it's absolutely true - men want you more if they have to work for you. I hate it like hell, but I stopped making overtures. I used to think men would be flattered if women asked them out - but I've learned that it makes them undesirable. Or me anyway.

And - both the last two guys I dated were ALWAYS busy when I suggested getting together and ultimately I got sick of my whims not factoring and so I stopped dating both of them. I stopped dating ALL men for awhile, until recently I started to give the whole thing a go again. Because you know, I really like their company.

In between the real life flesh and blood blokes there is a certain Scot on the other side of the ocean who thinks I am the most wonderful woman on the planet and showers me with romance and praise and adoration. BECAUSE HE CAN'T HAVE ME. But it's real nice to have when dealing with the "Its Not Personal..."

no_slappz said...

You wrote:

"In the process, however, VeryMissMary declared that my hat is one of the reasons I am un-dateable."

Yeah. Hats. I've lost track of the times I've been part of conversations with my pals and the topic gets around to women and how that means the conversation will eventually lead to the recognition of the stupefying fact that so many of them are undateable because of their hats.

It's unbelievable.

Inevitably one of the guys says something like -- the other night I was out with this ho-bag and you shoulda seen the goddam thing on her head. Ferchrissakes it bit me.

And then he goes on to say -- we went to this restaurant and when the food came the thing gets all jumpy, reaches down from her head and grabs some of my french fries.

Really. I know, it's always the hats.

okjimm said...

No Slapptz? Rn't you the troll that Dcap kicked off his blog? Wow... Howz da hat?

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Glad to hear you and Miss Mary got the heat fixed. We can't have two fabulous babes freezing.

mac said...

I think the guys you've been interested in must be defective. I know I would jump at the chance to date the Boozing MILF Model ;-)

PENolan said...

mac, I like interesting, lively characters and sometimes "defective" simply goes with that territory. As for the boozy milf, Dr Monkey is developing her into a supporting character, which is pretty cool. But then, the Doctor and I are currently crushing on each other. He has many admirers, but I don't mind waiting my turn.

Jennifer - I like their company a LOT but it's still a puzzlement. As for the Scot, I'm betting he is entirely sincere, but he'd never say so in a million years if you actually saw each other in real life. Woody is kind of like that, too. He told me that I'm too far away to break his heart so he be real even if he will always be an invisible voice on the phone.

It's all so confusing - especially since I just got an email from that fellow. Who knows? Maybe we will reach an accord in January.

But OMG the heater busted again and the guy who came to fix it is CUTE

Gail said...


A woman of your intelligence, wit, beauty, sensual self, confidence, clarity, high standards and on and on is scary to some, most guys. Throw in a hat of questionable style, and it is a deal breaker :-)

"Merry Christmas Texas"
Love Gail
peace and hope.....

PENolan said...

Gail, that is the nicest thing anyone has said to me in weeks.
Don't your friends say that you're the Kind one?

I hope you're right. The Bartender said that's why he passed out on the stoop next door the restaurant the time we went out. I still think he was dehydrated . . .

The boilerman is a cutie and smart. As it happened, VeryMissMary had given the oil company my cell phone number, so I sent him a text about an hour after he left last night saying, "thanks for warming things up over here."
He texted me back - so who knows?

I'll be back in CT as soon as I get Velvet back to school ;)

Jennifer said...

no_slappz - hahahahahaha

Gail said...

Hi again

ya, yup - the kind one for sure and the honest one. :-)

Love you girl
peace out

dissed said...

Maybe Those Guys just can't stand up beside a Competent Woman. Their loss.

Vancouver Voyeur said...

Boy am I glad I switched teams! ;-) I remember having the same problem with just about every guy I dated. I had a huge intolerance for assholery, which spelled the end for most of my relationships, and the ones where I tried to convince myself I needed to be more tolerant of the assholery, they ended up being long-term torturous relationships. There were always too many games being played beneath the surface and I never felt I got back out of the relationship, all the energy I put into it. That's why one day I just said F-it, I'm done, and I never looked back. Never dated another guy. No regrets. That sounds awful toward men, so let me clarify. There are awesome men out there. I know because I was friends with lots of them. Unfortunately because of something either lacking in my own self-esteem or somewhere in me, I was only attracted to the idiots sure to cause me grief. I suppose it was good payback that the universe kept handing me awesome men and I kept going for the bad boys. The universe was probably thinking, "well if you're that perverse when we hand you the dream guys, you deserve to suffer."

very said...

Hmmm. The hat (and I have one too!) saved our gorgeous babenessess from perishing, so thanks to Hashem and CT.Jim for saving us!

The hat: BALLDINKY! Good conversation starter, glad I could help, because I see we got to the real issue, which is: WHO WANTS to date a really fabulous woman, as described by Gail? Why is it that one gorgeous babe can tell another how great they TRULY ARE, which I have told you a bazillion times but where does it go? But if one asshole does his assholeness thing, we feel undateable? Rhetorical question. BUT I am SO happy to say that YOU, my dear, are very dateable, in the too too dateable wonderfulness sense. As soon as you get it through your head, so will everyone else. And you could wear any hat and a potato sack or burlap bag (with matching bag and shoes made from paper bags, no less) and ANYONE could see your beauty. Do YOU know it yet?

PENolan said...

VeryMissMary, you brought a tear to my eye which generally indicates that someone has gotten to The Truth.

dissed, it's like V.V. was saying - there's something inside that attracts a man who will repeat the pattern. And the pattern repeats until we say, "enough."

To be fair, this new fellow probably didn't realize that a couple of emails would activate the Jane Austin/Charlotte Bronte syndrome. Very likely, he's just a guy minding his own business and trying to do the right thing. That he inadvertently started this lively discussion is a wonderful thing.

Or was it all about the hat, after all?

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