Friday, January 27, 2012

Cocktails at Cafe Lux, Part 2

There's been a disturbance in the force again.  I've screwed up the times of two appointments this week, and I've run out the apartment without my bank card two days in a row.  Everything worked out fine, of course, but when I start to fray around the edges, it usually means I'm doing too much.

I've been busier at work than usual getting the student teachers situated for the spring semester and assisting with the admissions process.  I like both these projects, and if I ever have to move on to a new school so I can be an administrator and make more money - or if two of my most esteemed colleagues and I really do decide to open our own preschool - this experience is invaluable.  Being busy and productive at work is a bit of a departure for me, but I doubt it is at the root of the disturbance in the force.

The search for a new home and impending move is a big deal.  With luck, I will be moving to contract this weekend on the apartment across the street from Little Cutie since I went up there with a contractor on Wednesday night and confirmed that I can make it even cuter than Little Cutie and will be able to watch the sunset over the George Washington Bridge from my bedroom window.  The view from Little Cutie pretty well sucked, and the apartment across the street is in the catchment area for a popular public school - so whether I decide to sell it in five years or fifteen years, it will be an easier sell than Little Cutie.  Since all my assets will be tied up in this apartment, it behooves me to be in a place that has the maximum resale value.  You never know what tomorrow will bring and all that.  As major as this whole development is, however, I don't think it's causing the disturbance in the force either.

Velvet being home and looking for a job is actually very pleasant.  It's a tad nauseating when he and Cupcake are cooking together in the kitchen because she giggles, but young love is supposed to be sweet and she seems to be an all together good influence.  Velvet has been down in the dumps for the last couple of weeks - ever since he went up to Syracuse with his father to move all his things out of Hookah House - because he feels like a failure at school.  He was moping around, all depressed over his inability to focus as if it were a new development.  I pointed out that he never has been able to focus on anything so instead of letting an institution that was totally wrong for him get him down, he should be celebrating just how much he accomplished so far without being able to focus on a damn thing.

He's finally got his act together and figured how to fill out a job application on his own, and he's been buzzing around the west side dropping off said applications at EMS and Patagonia, Trader Joe's and Whole Foods - all the places that hire coolio, crunchy kids.  He has a good shot at EMS and Patagonia because of all the expedition experience he has from NOLS, and they're hiring - so we'll see.  Meanwhile, when we were out to dinner after meeting with the contractor the other night, Velvet actually sighed and said he was counting his blessings.  Notably, a supportive mother and father were among the blessings he counted.  In some ways, that development is so significant that it might cause a disturbance in the force.  I don't think it did, however, although it is certainly worth .5 on my list of Beautiful Things - and that brings us fully up to #45-101 (Exploring Beauty Challenge via realia). He wasn't so grateful that he would have been happier about bringing fifty bucks to Cafe Lux which I wanted him to do the other night when I found myself without my bank card.  I don't resent his attitude because he wasn't in the neighborhood, but that's why he only gets half a point.

Personally, I feel like the shift in the orientation of the galactic axis may be having an impact on my happy little world.  It's that 26,000 year shift some folks believe is bringing on the end of the world.  I prefer to look at is as the paradigm shift that bringing on the end of the world as we know it - which is a good thing, when you consider that the world as we know it is a world where people actually take Newt Gingrich seriously.  Ron Paul and Barack Obama, too.

After my short but productive date with Mr. Wisdom last night, I'd say we are certainly seeing signs of shifting paradigms.  Mr. Charleston commented yesterday that I was pissed off at the man before he even walked in the joint - which isn't precisely true, but it's close enough to the truth that I won't quibble.  I was so nervous that I ran off without my bank card, so when he got there, I had to tell him that even though I had fully intended to take him out for drinks, all I had on me was a gift card for Starbucks.  He graciously said that he'd pay my bar bill any time - which is one of my all time favorite things to hear, and in my view, remarkably nice since he could easily have said, "Of course you did."  When I noticed I'd run off without my bank card, I was embarrassed at the transparent Freudian moment.  That's why I called Velvet and wanted him to bring fifty bucks to Cafe Lux, instanter, as if I were Bertie Wooster and he were Jeeves.

I'm not sure exactly how we got on the subject of how he rarely calls since we went from talking about how nice I looked in my big girl shoes and dress to discussing Klingon Birds of Prey, but I told him that I was getting used to the idea that it was just his way.  He was so glad to hear it that he pulled out his little pad of graph paper and drew me a picture of what he was trying to accomplish by June with all this working.  All he had to say was that he wanted to get rid of the "family nest" apartment when the lease runs out in May and establish his own residence - but he's a visual kind of person which is probably why he's in TV and film in the first place.

The main thing is that we were so comfortable together that I decided it was safe to ask him to come see me read on February 10th with Bad Date Great Story.  I'm considering this development to be more evidence of a paradigm shift since I never once asked the Narcissist to come see me read at KGB.  I never asked The Narcissist to Cafe Luxembourg either because even though I was mixed up with that man for nearly three years - four when you count all that stupid blogstalking of his - he was so judgmental that I wasn't comfortable with the idea of him hearing me read.  There were plenty of places I didn't want to go with Buzz Kill but that was because Buzz Kill cramped my style.  Poor old Buzz Kill.

To me, inviting somebody to hear me read is kind of like asking him to come inside my head.  I love it when my real friends come to readings, but I generally prefer to keep a little distance from boyfriends.  We all have intimacy issues to some degree.

Something about Mr. Wisdom feels safe enough that so that I'm okay with giving up any preconceived notions of what a relationship is supposed to look like in order to let this one take its own course.  Although Mr. Wisdom and I are only just beginning to get acquainted, I'm pretty sure he honestly sees me as an equal.  The fact is that in the forty or so years that I've been paying attention to this stuff, every male I've ever known thought he was smarter than me at least for a while.  As far as I can tell, that thought has never entered Jon-El Wisdom's head.

There are moments when I wish he'd call more - moments like right this very minute. I'm not sure if we're seeing each other today or not, and there are arrangements to be made.  However, the telephone works both ways.  Since I could pick up mine if I wanted, I'm thinking Mr. Wisdom and I are in one of those subtle situations that reveal the dynamics of power in a relationship.  I'm 100% sure that Mr. Wisdom isn't power tripping here because I learned all about power tripping and control from that dumbass narcissist.  I learned a few things about power tripping from the Ashley Madison Experiment, too.  As it happens, that's how I discovered I'm a woman who tops from the bottom, although I refuse to participate in any of that BDSM stuff since I think it's a completely artificial manifestation of dominance and submission in a relationship.  It's one thing to indulge in fun and games - it's another thing entirely when some fool thinks that he can tell you not to eat peas all day, and when you go all day without eating peas, he thinks it proves something.  Don't ask me what.

So even though I could totally pick up the phone if I felt like it, I don't feel like it because I want to see how Mr. Wisdom manages this situation.  Then I'll understand his patterns better and adapt accordingly.  Maybe that's naturally compliant or submissive.  Or maybe it's just one of those little adaptations people make so they can get along together.  Like Stevie says, "Rulers make bad lovers . . . "



Good News:  He contacted me in a timely manner and we're seeing each other tomorrow when we both have more time.  Now, if I'd have called him at 8:00am in half a snit, we'd have never seen that he managed the situation exactly the way I hoped he would.  I'm going right over to Termites of Sin to tell Mr. Charleston I've taken his words to heart and given the man half a chance.  In my defense, I can only say that I'm beginning to think the shrew is fixing to be tamed, and that would cause a disturbance for sure.

10 comments:

intelliwench said...

I'm also finding that preconceived notions regarding relationships are pretty useless at this stage in life. Things can be different, and uncomfortable, but who says that's not a good thing? (And I don't know about you, but I don't want to find myself reverting to a giggly Cupcake-esque shadow of myself when I'm in the kitchen with my person of interest!)
Relax & enjoy the journey!

PENolan said...

Giggling like Cupcake? Sheesh - I used to do that too. It's MUCH better this way.

okjimm said...

Boy&Howdy... you sure are a busy person!!!!

I hope you take vitamins!
I have pretty much given up on relationships...or at least in the mode that may lead to something other than being congenial friends.

I do like reading of your adventures.

Be good, take vitamins..drink plenty of water... and breathe deeply. all best &stuff

Susan Tiner said...

I'm so glad to hear things are going well.

I hope Velvet gets a job and I'm thrilled to know the new cutie will be even better than Little Cutie.

If it's any consolation, Martin never called me either and it drove me nuts, totally nuts, but I did what you're doing and I'm glad I did. In fact he still doesn't call when he's away. In August he drove his daughter from CA to Clemson South Carolina for grad school and though he called me each night over the 10-day trip I found myself cutting him short because I know he doesn't really want to talk on the phone. The phone isn't his thing. Actually communicating by phone, email or anything else involving writing or speaking isn't his thing. Unless we're together, in person. That's when he'll talk, but even then it's difficult if the topic is important, like something to do with our relationship. That's why it's taken seven years to really be sure about everything, to communicate about every little thing, get everything squared away.

Now we're sure, in fact we're getting married soon. I even modeled my wedding outfit on the blog if you want to come take a look.

Some guys are low-key when it comes to communicating.

xoxo

PENolan said...

Good Lord, Susan. That's the best news I've heard in days - for both of us. I'm going to your blog right this very instant

okjimm - I like reading you too, and I promise to stay properly hydrated.

corticoWhat said...

Wow! A Star Wars AND a Star Trek reference in the same post. I am sure it is bad that I even noticed that. :)

rraine said...

"so that I'm okay with giving up any preconceived notions of what a relationship is supposed to look like in order to let this one take its own course."
good deal. and what the hell, what else can you do? anything else just strangles the life out of it.
go for it.

PENolan said...

rraine - I have to confess, when I said that I was thinking primarily of ignoring all my girlfriends' preconceived ideas of what a relationship should look like too. Or what my friends think I need in a relationship. They love me and are naturally protective, of course, but sometimes . . .
Like you say, "What else can you do?"

cortico! I love seeing you. Both of us must be a little geeky ;)

Cali said...

I have to agree, dating as a post-menopausal woman is definitely different, not that I've done much of it. But relationships have never really been happy situations for me. It really hurts me to admit this, but nearly all men have always treated me as if being with me was shameful. I never had as much as a single date in high school.

Everything went great for me in dating in the past, UNTIL the time came when I wanted to be more than a "hot date." Then I would start hearing all sorts of backpeddling doubletalk. NOTHING is more emotionally painful than lying naked in bed next to someone you love whom you really want to have a relationship with while he's giving you "The Friend Speech." Then you have to hold back the tears and pretend that it's OK, that it doesn't bother you and that you're just fine with that. These days, even hearing some other poor woman get The Friend Speech on TV (even if it's supposed to be a comedy) can bring me to tears.

That is why I believe that I just can't do it anymore. I'm just too old to allow myself to be played like that now. I hear, "Don't hate the player, hate the game!" on a regular basis, but I say why NOT hate the player? After all, the player is the one deciding it's just a game, right? Well, after a lifetime of it, I got no more "game" left in me.

I look at it this way: I had an amazing sex life for decades, even if it was happening in the midst of an emotional desert. I mean, it was good enough that years later they have all come back and told me, "You were the best lover I ever had," or "I must have been crazy to have left you." Which is exactly what I was telling them way back when. Then they all want to "try again?" I fell for that a couple of times, but it didn't take me long to learn that if it didn't work the first time it won't work later, either.

I eventually decided that I haven't missed much over the years, except that elusive life mate. Now my health is so poor that I wouldn't inflict myself on someone that way and so I guess that was just my destiny.

PENolan said...

Cali, I hear you. That "friend speech" can just about kill you. That's why the bs with Abilene Steve nearly did me in.

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