Saturday, November 15, 2008

Shakitking Strikes Again

That dumb ass ShatAKing, aka the Wall Street Rock Star, tried to post a mean spirited comment about his wife this morning. At least I think it was him. Sounded like an petulant married man trying to justify his adultery by saying his wife is an angry woman.

I'll bet she is angry if he's pretending to be separated and hitting on women on the Internet. Sheesh! What does he expect? He's lucky she hasn't had his balls for breakfast while sitting on top of a pile of money he thinks is his.

There was a time, back during my divorce crazies, when I was exploring the world of for when Monogamy becomes Monotony.  During that time, I ran across Double Wide who had the biggest ass I ever saw on a man.
Double Wide was married with two sons - one at Brown and one about to graduate from High School. He'd been married for years. His wife's photo was in his office. I know because he had me meet him there one evening before we went out to dinner. He was a partner in some little marketing company.
He had numerous complaints about his marriage and just as many tales of his expertise in business. As a trade off for a fancy expense account dinner, it was my job to listen to them as well as to tell him how smart he was. Double Wide wanted to have cybersex with me from his office in the basement of his Westchester contemporary home.
I was never particularly impressed with him because he thought it was a big deal to buy his wife's jewelry at Fortunoff. That seems Amazingly Cheap on his part considering the pudgy, self-absorbed bastard was using his webcam to send me live action video of himself in a red thong. Imagine a big fat ass and bigger jelly belly spilling out of a red thong. I'll never forget that image coming across my old Yahoo IM account complete with the little one eyed snake rearing up to spit a load.
The things that can come into your house now with the advent of the Internet is really amazing. Shout out to Al Gore for thinking it up, although I'm not sure cybersex is what he had in mind.

Double Wide told me he masturbated next to his wife in bed every night, leaving the sheets wet, because she wouldn't have sex with him. No wonder she wouldn't. She was probably holding out for Cartier - and it was going to be a long, damn wait.

These were the sort of distractions I arranged for myself while trying to get divorced from Buzz Kill. I pretended to like Double Wide - even to myself . What the hell - Buzz Kill was watching Star Gate reruns for hours at a stretch. We were both cordially ignoring each other so we could peacefully co-exist.
According to his best friend from grade school, Double Wide was probably a sex addict and addicted to Internet porn.  Double Wide had arranged for me to communicate with his friend because he had a fantasy.  When the friend told me the tale of wild nights that he and Double Wide had with a female who lives in Las Vegas, I put the kibosh on said fantasy tout de suite.

The truth is that head exploded. That was all cool, though, because I could displace all that anger which should have landed on Buzz Kill due to marital dysfunction right onto Double Wide's big ass. Despite a few tears, I thought my coping mechanisms were brilliant. And as a result of that experience, I was a little wiser when I ventured onto Plenty of Fish.

In any case, the point is that ShatAKing must be cognitively impaired in addition to deluded and arrogant if he thinks I'm allowing him to justify his foolishness on the blog. I might feel differently if his last version of the Plenty Of Fish profile had not been dominated by some lonesome Bruce Springsteen lyrics in a transparent attempt to seem sensitive. He didn't even revise the rest of his statements to seem less impressed with his sexual accomplishments, which in my view, thoroughly undermined the sentiments of the song. Given his bravado, I'm betting whatever he accomplished was mostly in his own mind, all alone with some cyber friend in his own basement office. We can only hope he didn't have on string bikini briefs.

The few pages concerning him in the archives have been visited so many times and from so many locations that it looks like someone sent the link around to her friends and family. I figure having the posts on hand suited her purposes, so I sit here looking at the Analytics statistics, speculating on the unfolding drama in the suburbs. It's sort of poetic justice when someone can see that a myth he tried to perpetrate via Internet dating - that he's a sophisticated, wealthy, misunderstood romantic looking to spread his sensual bliss around the breathlessly waiting women of New Jersey - has backfired and now some bitch in her pajamas is making fun of him on her little blog.

But hey - that's what happens to a married man who tries to leave an anonymous comment about his wife on Menopausal Stoners.


Blogger Gail said...

Hi Trish
I mean this is fascinating stuff - I couldn't pay for this. I was hanging on every word. Great writing Great blog-drama. Wow!
I get so silly by the names you create, "Double-Wide" is now in first place. :-)


November 15, 2008 at 4:25 PM  
Blogger PENolan said...

Remember the Five Narcissists? Double Wide was Chief.

November 15, 2008 at 4:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The BEST stories are true, aren't they? Better than anything we can invent.

November 16, 2008 at 3:18 PM  
Blogger Comrade Kevin said...

Where do you find these guys? :-)

But in honesty, nothing is creepier than a dude in total denial of how unattractive he is to the rest of the world--thinking somehow his own arrogance could redeem the fact.

November 17, 2008 at 8:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

On second thought, I'm kinda hating on Double Wide. Which is wrong, because he's sort of pitiful. Which is wrong, because that attitude is Patronizing. Which is wrong, because it makes me think all the more that I need to be more spontaneous and Go With My Gut. Yeah, I'm hating on him. And you know, if what'shisname who thinks his wife is "bitter" had a brain, he might think about what can be brought down on his hapless head by a smart woman with that kind of bitter load.

November 18, 2008 at 6:14 PM  
Blogger PENolan said...

Double Wide was a horrible individual with a good - but very short - line of bullshit.

Somebody new googles ShatAKing every day lately. Looks to me like a smart, angry woman has already gotten to work.

Meanwhile, I'm minding my own business . . . ;)

November 18, 2008 at 7:53 PM  
Blogger johnieb said...

Lurking here. Saw the title at the Mad One's and couldn't resist.

November 19, 2008 at 11:44 AM  
Blogger Jaliya said...

PENolan, I've just found your blog via MadPriest. WOW! I've been reading for over an hour and laughing myself senseless. Really enjoy & appreciate how you think through your words ...

Once upon a time, I had a Double Wide too. He was in my drama class in high school and he had huge hots for me. He gave me a gift one day: a 50-cent-off coupon for some godawful Salsbury-steakhouse. Barf! I thought at the time that I was a loser, but not *that* much of a loser. I turned the poor bugger down. I also briefly dated a guy in university who drove a powder-blue Delta 88 with a vinyl bench seat. He took me to another horrid steakhouse for a date. He was skinny as a nail but played Beethoven to die for. He helped me survive a Statistics class that drove me to despair, and then my best friend at the time told me to dump him QUICK 'cause he drove such a Loser car. After I managed a C- in Stats, I said "ta-ta." Hee hee!

Now I'm 49 and live with a sweet man who adores fine cars, me, our cats, and classic rock 'n' roll, among other things. Life is good.

Glad to have found your blog! :-)

November 20, 2008 at 12:48 AM  
Blogger Nicey said...

Nice post keep on doing what ya keep on doing

November 20, 2008 at 12:10 PM  
Blogger PENolan said...

Hello new bloggy friends from Mad Priest - it's great to see so many delightfully wicked, funny people. in one place. Glad you found your way over here.

November 22, 2008 at 10:20 AM  

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