Sunday, February 22, 2009

A Dick with Ears

There is a distinct possibility that I ran into another narcissist this week. It's hard to say. Perhaps he was merely a walking dick with ears.

After a very entertaining evening at KGB on Thursday, I met Dick With Ears for a cup of tea since, according to his profile, he doesn't drink alcohol. Just your basic "coffee date," to see if we're interested in each other. I didn't know much about him since we hadn't had time to talk on the phone that afternoon. The computer at Match dot com, in its wisdom, had left him in my Daily Five Matches on Wednesday. I clicked Interested; he sent me a message saying he'd like to meet. I said I was busy that night but could talk about it around 10:00. When he emailed suggesting coffee around 10:00, I figured, "Why not?" I knew I'd go out for coffee after talking on the phone. Might as well get on with it. Besides, he was cute in a scruffy sort of way.

One of the photos from the Match profile of Dick With Ears

We met at a small, Middle Eastern restaurant for tea and baklava. Now, the scenario around paying the bill can provide insight into a potential boyfriend. It's my policy to keep my portion of the check around $5.00 because I don't ever reach for my wallet. It's not that I think men should always pay for everything. If I invited the man somewhere, I would naturally pay. But when he's asked me to meet him, that first bill is a test.

In this particular case, the man himself was nice enough, although he was stuck on the topic of his time in the Israeli army roughly 30 years earlier. He mentioned getting together on Sunday. I had plans with Gigi (Pink Panties, Stonerdate 10.25.08) , but I could manage two outings in one day if I wanted, so I said, "Maybe." Then he left a 65 cent tip on a check that was $9.35. In my view, a generous person who recognizes that the server has worked even though we didn't run up a big tab would have left a couple of bucks. I nearly tossed $2.00 on the table as we were leaving, but he was moving too fast.

In the future, I will be quicker when something like that occurs because anyone who acts like that should be shamed by his/her companion. As it was, Dick With Ears thought his behavior was fine. Before I reached the corner to catch a cab, he pulled me toward him with one arm around my waist. He wrapped his fingers in my hair and planted a major kiss on me. All in all, I was stunned. Being from the South, I pulled free and said, "Mercy!"

In reality, the kissing wasn't unpleasant. It was like the heroes kiss in the Bodice Rippers my Granny loved to read. If I had been divorced only about ten minutes, I would have been impressed. Since that stingy tip hovered in my mind, I went back to finding a taxi. He kept pace with me, took my elbow and steered me gently yet purposefully against the wall of a building for a more thorough kissing. At this point, I offered up some resistance, but he found that spot on my neck so I played along for a while longer. When his hand went up my skirt, however, I had to draw the line. I told him that I certainly was not participating in that sort of activity on the street with a man I just met. He grabbed my ass, pronounced it fine, and tried to kiss me into silence.

One good thing about New York City is the availability of Yellow Taxis. One was stopped at the light. I broke free, turned and walked toward the curb with my arm outstretched. He followed, asking about Sunday. I told him he was as bad as a teenage boy. He said he'd take that as the highest compliment and tried to kiss me again as I got in the car.

I won't deny that it's nice to be admired, and as I said, I might have been captivated if I'd been recently divorced. Actually, if he would have left a decent tip, I may not have minded him grabbing my ass.

By the morning, however, I had concluded there was no way in Hell I was going out with a cheap tipper - especially one who put his hand up every skirt that came his way. So I sent him the following email:
Dick With Ears,
I was so distracted on the sidewalk last night that I forgot I already have plans for Sunday. I'm thinking it's just as well I'm busy, and you will find a suitable female very soon. It was nice meeting you,
He replied:
That was very polite, but not necessary. You had no plans for Sunday. You got very sexually excited that you scared yourself. You'd love to have sex with me Sunday. very soon ? I already have a suitable female for Sunday. and yes, it is larger than average. perfect for a 49 yr old. It was nice meeting you.
Dick With Ears
If it didn't make such a good story, I would wish I were making it up. Narcissistic? Pathetic? Both? In any case, I've blocked him from further communication.

Saturday night, The Nice Accountant from Brooklyn took me to The Film Forum down in the Village to see Jean-Luc Godard's Made in the USA (1966). I brought a big box of Junior Mints. The movie itself was sort of like a glorious exercise in using color in a film as an excuse to loosely sting together a plot on which to hang Existential Socialist philosophy. Decidedly French. Then he and I went out for cappuccino and talked about our kids. He even rode the subway uptown with me to make sure I got home safely. We exchanged very promising, pleasant kisses and he got back on the subway to go back to Brooklyn.

This morning I sent The Nice Accountant a Thank You note via email with the link to one of my favorite stories currently in the news. George W. Bush's grandfather Prescott Bush allegedly swiped Geronimo's skull and femurs from the grave at Ft. Still, Oklahoma and installed them at the Skull and Bones Society up at Yale (Geronimo's Heirs Sue Secret Yale Society over his Skull, NYTimes, February 20, 2009). Apparently, there are lots of Dicks With Ears walking around, and some of them are Bushes.

Prescott Bush, another Walking Dick with Ears


Blogger Gail said...

Hi there-
I don't know anyone who can go from Dick With Ears, a 65 cent tip, to Geronomos skull so well. I followed you every where with ease, keen interest, and could laugh right out loud. :-)

That Dick With Ears was a 'dick' for sure. "Mercy" (to quote you)

Love Gail

February 23, 2009 at 9:44 AM  
Blogger Kimberly M. Wetherell said...

Oh God!!!!!

I know you told me all this already - but it's even better in print!

Stick to Brooklynites. They rule. I have good feelings about this feller...

February 23, 2009 at 1:52 PM  
Blogger Comrade Kevin said...

Good for you to avoid Dick with Ears. His is a special kind of douchery.

February 23, 2009 at 2:14 PM  
Blogger Utah Savage said...

I'll be back to read this intreaguing post. A Dick with Ears is indeed a tempting read. But first a bit of business--I have given you an award. So come and pick it up.

February 23, 2009 at 4:46 PM  
Blogger PENolan said...

Somehow, getting a "Love Ya" award from Utah on a post about this absurd man makes it all worthwhile.

February 23, 2009 at 6:29 PM  
Blogger yellowdoggranny said...

I think I would have told him if he was that good, maybe he should go fuck himself.

February 24, 2009 at 1:36 AM  
Blogger PENolan said...

Granny, One day I'll get up enough gumption to stop being so Nice.

February 24, 2009 at 7:02 AM  
Blogger Kitty said...

Jeez, what a prize pr*ck that guy was. Trish, you're doing nothing to encourage me to entertain my childrens plans for a new male in my life! But hell, it's great blog fodder. Great post. x

February 24, 2009 at 11:46 AM  

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