Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Hauling out the Shot Gun

I was a bit surprised at the strength of my conviction, which I didn't know was so strong until I found myself standing in the middle of a living room full of 18 year old males and females with a shot gun. Now, this is a vintage shot gun - my great grandfather's 1912 Remington. It's busted, in the first place, and in the second, I don't have any ammunition. Nevertheless, a shotgun does have a way of emphasizing a point.

I was making a policy statement against teen pregnancy to the group after sending Velvet to chase a young couple out of his bedroom where they had gone at about 2:30 in the morning and closed the door.

I didn't make an ass of myself or anything, and I'll admit that no one in my happy home was strictly sober at that moment. The kids know I'm pretty relaxed about most things - although I really hate it when I'm coming home from a reading or an off-off Broadway production and smell weed in the hall twenty feet before I get to our door. My neighbor Mark recommends smoke eating candles, and I may have to get some this weekend. And the kids know that I 100% believe that if the American Government thinks 18 year olds are smart enough to vote, and big enough to go into the military and get shot at - then they are old enough to drink a beer. Just not my beer, and I'm not buying it for them.

As an educator with a lot of letters behind my name, I know that kids will push limits just to make sure someone is paying attention. Kids feel more secure when adults set reasonable limits. So when the young couple in question - who had already been smooching in the recliner - wandered into Velvet's bedroom and shut the door, I was compelled to say: Not No But Hell No.

I'm actually not sure how I got on the topic of my shotgun during that discussion, but once it popped into my head, I popped into my room for the Remington. I've never shot a gun in my life, but I do like using it for arm curls -and like any well bred Texan Female, I can twirl my shotgun.

I may twirl it straight at Michele Bachmann's head one day since I think that these broads from the Barbie Doll/Beauty Queen School of Female Education, like Bachmann and Sarah Palin, should prove they can twirl and talk at the same time. Personally, I don't think they can do it - and as I've mentioned to Utah Savage, I suspect she and I (both well bred Texas Women) can bust those broads on the head with a baton from twenty paces while reciting The Constitution. I can't manage a flaming baton, though, so we'll have to make due with sparkly fringe. And I am damn sure not chucking my 1912 Remington at either one of them on account of they'd keep it.

Sarah Palin should have hauled out one of her many firearms to make a statement about teen pregnancy in her own house, now that I think about it. I never preached abstinence, either. I just said (1) Not in My House, and (2) if you're as smart as you think you are, you won't get pregnant until you're good and ready.

I also said that I had been pregnant once in my life, and put my arm around my handsome Velvet. For some people, Velvet himself is a walking ad for birth control, but I'm proud as I can be most days. When I checked with him later to make sure I hadn't embarrassed him in front of his friends, he said he wasn't a bit embarrassed because I was just laying down the law, and that's how we are in Texas. Actually, not everyone in Texas hauls out a shotgun to make a point. I learned this trick from my mother.

For some reason, folks listen differently when a woman is holding a shotgun. And Mother never actually hauled hers out - she just threatened to hold a repair man hostage until they fixed her cook top to her satisfaction. He should never have tried to hand her a load of bullshit about why he couldn't fix it. Sometimes people will try to fill you full of shit. Mother had simply had enough that day.

In any case, the children now understand that just because they may not get in trouble for hotboxing the bathroom there is no reason to think anyone is doing anything remotely connected with pregnancy when I'm around. Now that I'm reflecting on this event, I've remembered that the kid who went into the bedroom with his girlfriend was a key player in leaving a drunk girl in the bathroom last fall when he and his posse went off to another party.

I am almost positive that if anyone's parents heard that I said No Pregnancy Allowed and hauled out a shotgun to indicate that I was serious as a heart attack, they'd be okay with it.


Blogger Gail said...

Hey Trish-

I am SO okay with you, the shotgun and the emphasis on "Hell No".... I love, love, love your writing style - I am in it from the first word.

I have my own new version of a shotgun these days since we do't have a shot gun - I am going toget a lesson from "Rambo" next door on how to throw one of those throat punches that leaves the person struggling to breathe - yes,me, the "peace/love" ole hippie-lady wants to know she can disable 'him' - him being "the intruder", that militant neo-nazis asshole that is with my daughter - yup - in Texas talk - "dang-straight"!!

so thanks much 'my-lady' , my straight shooting gal with all the right stuff - rhyme and reason and SO much more.

lock and load.

Love Gail

April 29, 2009 at 10:00 AM  
Blogger Comrade Kevin said...

I think of all the lengths to which I went to sneak around and fornicate. I can't say anyone ever went after me with a busted shotgun, though. :)

April 29, 2009 at 5:34 PM  
Anonymous dissed said...

Long long ago, in a galaxy far away, a boyfriend's father (who came home too early) looked until he found me hiding under a bed. This gentleman, and I use the word with utmost respect, helpfully escorted me to the back door while his wife chatted with their son in the living room. I hid behind the son's car until his father distracted his mother and he could make his own escape. His mother never knew. Thanks to his father, she didn't need the shotgun. Some of us just luck out.

April 29, 2009 at 7:18 PM  
Blogger PENolan said...

Dissed: How did you get home? Did the son drive you?

And Gail, with the right attitude, a flip flop is just as effective as a shotgun. I just like tossing my gun in the air and catching it and cocking it at the same time. I wouldn't have the Remington at all except that my father was about to give it to my brother as First Born Son to First Born Son. I instantly declared it was mine if we were going to play Primogenitor. I may have claimed it for Velvet and forgot to tell him.

Comrade, you're still pretty young. There may be a shotgun in your future yet ;)

April 29, 2009 at 9:03 PM  
Anonymous dissed said...

He drove me. We had those deer-in-the-headlights looks. That was kind of the end of that romance.

April 30, 2009 at 7:26 PM  
Blogger PENolan said...

So much for young love.

Actually, I've been very impressed with Velvet's first girlfriend, who shall forever be known as CupCake due to her superior baking skills. And I found out today that Velvet considered Topher's actions very disrespectful - worse than forgetting he had come in with three drunk girls and left with two - forgetting the one htat went to sleep in Velvet's bathroom. That was just stupid.

I tell you what - that Topher is lucky I didn't bust him upside the head.

April 30, 2009 at 10:41 PM  
Blogger Utah Savage said...

I absolutely approve, but you knew I would. I so want a shot gun, and I could no doubt twirl one. But I want shells filled with rock salt or buck shot. It just suits my image of myself. And I've never heard of anyone committing suicide with a shot gun.

April 30, 2009 at 10:45 PM  
Blogger yellowdoggranny said...

holding fingers apart 1/2 inch*....i believe in this much child abuse.

April 30, 2009 at 11:49 PM  
Blogger themom said...

My credo in the house has always been "oh hell no." Good going there. Now I see there is another dimwit broad on the House fllor, who opened her mouth the other day saying the Matthew Shepard murder, was a HOAX!! She now stands alongside Bachmann and Palin. I do believe you and Utah have all those broads beat hands down on the baton twirling. Now if I could only find mine from years back.

May 2, 2009 at 11:57 AM  
Blogger Ritz said...

Been there, though I love the use of a shotgun for emphasis. Always enjoy reading your blog.

I left you a little something on my blog for you.

May 3, 2009 at 4:36 PM  

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