Saturday, April 17, 2010

Velvet Gets Arrested

Velvet got arrested, hopefully for the first and last time.
The good news is that this episode did not involve weed in any way shape or form.  He hasn't bought any weed ever since he spent all his ready money replacing a bong he accidentally busted over at Hookah House.  I don't know when kids started using $150 bongs, but apparently it's de rigueur in some circles.  Velvet himself has a fancy, hand blown glass bong with an ice chamber which was given to him by Dolphin, the little fellow who followed him home from fair week end at Hippie Dippie Quaker Camp last summer and spent an excessive number of days hanging around on my sofa in his boxer shorts.   I can't say that I approve, but at the moment expensive paraphernalia is the least of my worries.

It all started last week over at Hookah House, the fraternity where Velvet was king of the Halloween party.  Before dawn last Tuesday, Velvet and FP, a freshman pledge at Hookah House, got a wild hair up their butts and decided to steal the letters off Doucher House.  According to Velvet, The Douchers are a bunch of cocaine snorting, steroid taking loudmouths who like to lord it over everyone.  FP and Velvet were inspired to this action after a night of drinking Budweiser.  I don't know where the more mature brothers were.  Sleeping soundly, I suppose.  They certainly were not around to discourage the concept, so Velvet and FP found a screwdriver and proceeded down the street to Doucher House.

They had to climb up onto the first floor roof at the Doucher House in order to get the letters, which were attached to the second story.  Velvet and FP easily removed the first two letters, but they couldn’t reach the third.  The job could not be considered a success until they removed the final letter, so the boys went back to Hookah House and got a stepladder.  It was about 5:00 in the morning when they hauled that ladder up onto the roof of Doucher House.

Velvet was on the ladder unscrewing the third letter while FP supervised. The pair apparently made such a clatter that the Doucher president looked out his window to see what was the matter.  Seeing vandals on the roof, he raised a hue and cry.  The Doucher Chief charged out the door in his underwear followed by four brothers and a chase ensued.  FP got away and felt very bad for abandoning Velvet who ran as fast as he could toward Hookah House, but carrying the ladder slowed him down.  He only thought to drop it when the Douchers caught up to him.  After the Douchers tackled Velvet and commenced pounding, one of them picked the dang ladder up and proceeded to beat Velvet’s ass with it.

Velvet kicked and hollered in self-defense.  The Doucher Chief finally pinned Velvet to the ground, started choking him and demanded to know his name.  Velvet told him that he couldn't breathe and couldn't talk which convinced the Doucher Chief to stop choking him.  With windpipes properly cleared, Velvet hollered with sufficient vigor to rouse the cops.  In their wisdom, Big Beautiful Private University built the campus police station across the street from Hookah House.  The University DPS responded so rapidly that they may have already been en route.

In what can only be described as a grotesque miscarriage of justice, the police drove the Douchers home in comfort and arrested Velvet.   He was handcuffed and everything.   If the story I got is accurate, Velvet was charged with Petty Larceny, but the real reason he got arrested is that when the University DPS asked Velvet to give them the name of his friend, he refused.  He said, “I don’t have to tell you because you’re not real police.”

They said, “That’s right.  We’re not real police, but we can put you in handcuffs until they get here.”   While they were all waiting for the Real Cops, one of the arresting DPS officers arranged for Velvet to get medical attention since one of the Douchers had smacked him with the step ladder, and she wanted to make sure Velvet didn’t have a concussion.  Thanks to her, there is medical documentation to corroborate Velvet’s version of events on the morning in question.

I heard this whole tale from Velvet his own self last night.   As it happened, last Sunday afternoon I decided that Velvet's freshman experience was such that we needed to seriously discuss the concept of college.  I can't remember why I came to this conclusion last Sunday, but I called Velvet to say that I didn't want to talk about it on the phone and asked him is he preferred for me to come up to Tree Hugger or if he wanted to come home.  He wanted to come home.  He and I were in the process of arranging for his train tickets when he told me about shattering the $150 bong.  I have to say that between the Bong Busting and the Gas Mask Episode, I was seriously considering changing his name to Bong Boy.

With luck, Velvet will finally get the idea that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.  He freely admits that he deserved a beating at the hands of the Douchers - which I personally dispute since he was not on their property at the time of the assault.  Anyone from Texas knows that you are only allowed to shoot people who are fully on your property.  Five guys don't chase one skinny dumb ass a few blocks.

Clearly the Douchers should also have been arrested, but it's important that Velvet witnessed first hand that cops show favoritism to The Establishment.  Hookah House is the black sheep of Fraternity Row.  They were fined and put on social probation last semester because their own president passed out on their front yard after homecoming.  When the cops rousted the young man, he asked them if he was sleeping in a pot plant.  Apparently the campus cops at Big Beautiful Private University, to which Tree Hugger is attached, are willing to overlook drinking from future Wall Street executives but get all punitive when scruffy stoners are involved.  This sad fact of life is something Velvet needed to experience for himself.

Buzz Kill's anxiety over this situation has reached elevated levels.  He is convinced that Velvet will be expelled and sent to jail for thirty days, managing to accumulate several thousand dollars of legal bills along the way.   I told him to stop pissing on himself and start working on getting a copy of that medical report.  It seems to me that the campus police and/or The Douchers might see their way clear to drop the charges of Petty Larceny against Velvet given the campus police clearly showed favoritism to a pack of marauding douchebags who beat my child with a step ladder.  Furthermore, the letters have been returned unharmed.  In fact, the only harm done during the whole scenario was to Velvet.

The Man from San Antone, a lawyer from a family of lawyers, says Velvet does not need an attorney at this time.  He has confidence in my ability to manage admirably given that the whole thing is absolutely asinine.  I'm just thankful that Velvet's hair had started to grow back at the time of his arrest. He had been sporting a Friar Tuck for some days after loosing a bet on the basketball games. He bet that Butler would go all the way. It would have been entirely too much if he'd been arrested with a Friar Tuck.  As it was, he was simply rocking an exceedingly close cropped crew.

Commander Data with a Friar Tuck hair cut

The next task is preparing Velvet for his Judicial Review.  Given that the manchild was already on academic probation, there is undoubtedly cause for concern over his study habits.   Although I'm sure everything will turn out fine, we'll all be nervous until we see for sure that Velvet will be allowed to return to school in the fall.   We’ll be nervous until he presents himself before the Judge, too.

Now that he's been arrested for Douchebag harassment, I'm stumped as to the boy's new handle - but there is no denying that he is outgrowing the name of Velvet. He's been Velvet since about 10th grade as a result of statements he made to Rhet that sounded remarkably like Velvet thought pimping out his mother (that would be me) was a good way to make a few bucks. He wasn't suggesting sending me out on the streets. He thought that The Man from San Antone would slip him $100 any time The Man visited HQ. Notably, that has never occurred in Real Life. While listening to the child's fantasy, it occurred to Rhet that he sounded a lot like Velvet Jones, an Eddy Murphy character from Saturday Night Live. The man child has been Velvet ever since, but I'm thinking those innocent days are gone.

Meanwhile, that boy needs to find a summer job.

UPDATE:  Velvet is on Disciplinary Probation as long as he remains at Tree Hugger.  That means he will be totally suspended if he ever gets in trouble with the City Cops again.  He also had to perform 50 hours of community service.  When he went before the Judge later in the summer, she ruled that all charges will be dismissed in six months as long as keeps his nose clean.  She required 35 hours of community service, and she was happy to accept the 50 he had already completed for the school. 


Blogger Punch said...

Maybe a name like
DumbAss is just to much.
Chump, nah not masculine enough.
Don't know, hope it stops with a prank and nothing heavy.
Good luck Mom.

April 17, 2010 at 8:10 AM  
Blogger PENolan said...

Thanks, Punch.
I'm sure a new name will present itself soon.

My primary concern is that he will be allowed to return to school with appropriate consequences - but between being King of the Halloween Party, the Friar Tuck, Getting Beat by the Douchers and Arrested - well, the whole thing sounds like a dang MTV movie.
He's shaping up to be a Freshman Legend

April 17, 2010 at 8:21 AM  
Anonymous dissed said...


2. Five on one. Typical Douchebag odds.

3. When it's five on one, you need to Run Faster.

4. Get all of the letters the FIRST time. You only get one chance.

5. Push the assault until they drop the charges. FIVE ON ONE and they hit him with a STEPLADDER on the TEMPLE which could be deadly, plus he wasn't on their property when they jumped him which means they're Not Gentlemen. I mean, they could have shaken loose the remaining brain cells.


7. Call him Lightnin'.

April 17, 2010 at 8:34 AM  
Anonymous dissed said...

That was so much fun, I had to come back and read it again.

April 17, 2010 at 8:37 AM  
Blogger PENolan said...

dissed - I know. My own mother, who is a notorious double barreled bitch, cannot stop chuckling to herself and recalling the time her two brothers strategically placed a donkey somewhere on Douchebag row. They also carried an MGB into the administration building and drove it through the halls.
Apparently, this sort of behavior runs on the bootlegger side of the family.

April 17, 2010 at 8:49 AM  
Blogger intelliwench said...

I used to think that parents of boys had it easier (they can't get knocked up) but now I can see the error of my way of thinking.

Good luck to all parties!

April 17, 2010 at 8:57 AM  
Blogger PENolan said...

"all parties"
Truer words were never spoken, Intelli.
Honestly, though, I'll take arrested for douchebag harassment over knocked up any day.

April 17, 2010 at 9:00 AM  
Blogger Gail said...


Wow, I am drawn to the movie "Scent Of A woman" - as I recall the scene at te college where Al Pacino made an amazing loud speech in defense of the kid who wouldn't snitch.

I was alarmed to think that those other steroid pumping cocaine snorting kids were not charted with assault - a far worse crime than relocating some letters. The ihnjustice in this is SO disturbing.


Lovve ya girl

April 17, 2010 at 9:37 AM  
Blogger PENolan said...

Hey Gail - I have just left a voice mail for a Lieutenant on the campus police force initiating an investigation into this matter. The goal is simply to get the charges against Velvet dismissed and his record cleared - which is what I told the Lieutenant - and I used the phrase, "my son has been assaulted by five fraternity boys," repeatedly.

Buzz Kill is off to the ER with Velvet now getting further documentation on the injuries and checking his teeth. You never know what we'll need to press charges, if that becomes necessary. Buzz Kill also plans to call the national office of the offending Frat Rats on Monday morning to pursue having the matter dismissed. Now that Buzz Kill has stopped running around like the sky is falling, he's committed to the mission of protecting his child. So -- so far so good.

April 17, 2010 at 1:28 PM  
Blogger VV said...

My Jr. also did a dumbass move to steal a worthless piece of poo, that he had no use for, because somehow it seemed like a cool thing to do. He was still a minor so got off easy. As for Velvet, I would definitely press assault charges on all the douchebags. Petty larceny usually carries a lighter sentence that assault. That might help them see reason and drop the charges. I would also try to get witnesses, possibly the homeowner on whose property he was beaten, anyone who saw him running from the 5 douchebags, use your medical bills, any photos of said injuries that might have been taken. I would also ask the court to issue a subpoena for the 911 tape to see what was said, like, "OMG, you need to send the cops quick, a bunch of guys are beating a guy to death." You never know what treasures are on 911 tapes. Assault is not justified when you're not in fear of your life, safety or property, especially when you are not even _on_ your own property, and you certainly have no defense to chasing down a guy who presented no threat. Got get 'em mama.

April 17, 2010 at 3:26 PM  
Blogger VV said...

Oh, yes, and one other thing, treat the assault with a step-ladder as assault with a weapon. Demand the local prosecutor and police press charges.

April 17, 2010 at 3:27 PM  
Blogger corticoWhat said...

They should have removed the D, the E, and the R leaving OUCH!

April 17, 2010 at 4:12 PM  
Blogger jadedj said...

I was thinking Artful Dodger, but he didn't exactly dodge.

I am incredulous that assault and battery, especially by five goons against one, would be considered a lesser offense than a damn fraternity prank. Hell, give me their address and I'll go steal the damned letters again, let em catch me, and sue them for cruelty to a senior citizen.

It's pitbull momma time, methinks.

April 17, 2010 at 4:20 PM  
Blogger PENolan said...

OUCH, indeed.

Jaded, that's a damn good idea. As it happens, my little brother will be up there teaching a class for aspiring photojournalists about the time Velvet has to appear in court. Maybe he and I should do something really special with those letters.

I still hope we can manage to get the charges dismissed, but right now I'm tired and a little teary. I hope the Lieutenant is helpful and not just another douchebag.

I'd hate to have to ask the Man from San Antone for assistance. He's all busy with some missing baby in Arizona.

April 17, 2010 at 4:43 PM  
Blogger Utah Savage said...

I'm so glad all I have is plumbing problems. I'm now more convinced than ever that I made the right decision to abort my only zygote.

I know you're a good and loving mother. But this would drive me round the bend. I admire your calm equanimity in handling this mess. I look forward to finding out what Velvet's name turns out to be.

April 17, 2010 at 5:09 PM  
Blogger PENolan said...

Utah, I have often called him my Little Advertisement for Birth Control.

My one consolation is knowing he will never turn out to be someone like your New Guy. He's been spoken to sternly more than once.

All good suggestions, V.V.
I have now found out that nobody actually called the cops since it so happens that the University Police Station is conveniently located across the street from Hookah House. Velvet had almost made it to the House when he was tackled, SO the cops heard Velvet shouting almost the minute he started.

Happily, I was able to talk to one of the officers who was at the scene - who is also a Mom. As it happens, she arranged for Velvet to be examined on the scene by EMS and told me how to get that report so that we can give it to the University Judicial Review board. They're in charge of sanctioning the frat rats. She also said that the only reason they even called in the city cops is that Velvet didn't want to give them FP's name. Once the city cops had arrested him for petty larceny and had him in handcuffs, he saw the wisdom of cooperating. I apologized for him being mouthy, but she said he was actually well behaved - he was simply protecting his friend.

Whew! I'm going to bed

April 17, 2010 at 10:47 PM  
Blogger Gail said...

Hi Trish-

I am thrilled by your efforts/pursuit for justice and Buzz Kills too.

Love and support

April 18, 2010 at 11:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know I know take away, the games, the extra change, make them get a job, they do not like for the summer, like oh maybe work in a nursing home, or maybe pickup garbage, something that just might give them an attitude adjustment. Disenjage the cell-phone if there is one involved. remove the cable or swithch to basic. and shut down the internet, gota get'em were they live.
Sorry unsolited advice, \Pat
And certainty what works on one child does not work on another..:)

April 19, 2010 at 11:22 AM  
Blogger Kathleen W. said...

I say change his name to "Idiot Boy" for the time being. And teach him to pick his fights better. Going after douchebags by vandalism doesn't teach the douches anything, and it puts him at risk. I'm glad you're standing up for him, but he was an idiot for pulling such a dumbass stunt.

Can he paint a pool again this summer? Or, can he serve meals at a homeless shelter or build houses for the homeless? Maybe that'll help get his sense of outrage in the right place.

April 19, 2010 at 11:28 AM  
Blogger Life As I Know It Now said...

You are right, it could have been worse and who knows, he may actually learn something from this experience. Offspring have to learn things the hard way. It is the same generation after generation. You can tell them until you are blue in the face but not ONE WORD will penetrate their brain case. This is most unfortunate I suppose but it's the way it works. Finally, finally, one day your kid will look at you and think you are pretty smart and begin to ask your advice about all sorts of things. But until that day occurs, good luck.

April 19, 2010 at 12:00 PM  
Blogger PENolan said...

If Buzz Kill has his way, I'll be on the streets (or with my mother) before summer's end - so who knows? Me and Velvet could be heading South. Or is it West? SxSW I believe.

But I'll go crazy if I think about that right now. I'll think about it tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day.

April 19, 2010 at 6:01 PM  
Blogger MRMacrum said...

Fraternal Orders being what they are, it would seem Velvet has a handle on whether he recieved his just desserts. Texas justice stops at the Oklahoma and Arkansas line. It kinda keeps going into New Mexico and Louisiana some though.

Any benefit he might garner from this mis-adventure is directly related to when he may draw upon it for new wisdom. If nothing else, he has more campus juice now.

Great story told by a mother who has been there done that apparently.

April 19, 2010 at 7:00 PM  
Anonymous dissed said...

S x SW is a good idea, Scahlett. You CAN go home again, especially when you know it's not the same. Who would want it to be the same, anyway.

April 19, 2010 at 8:24 PM  

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