Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Another Dawn

Velvet and I are off on a college adventure this morning.

Years ago, Buzz Kill, Velvet and I were in Nepal. This was back in 2000 - when everyone called Buzz Kill "The Penguin" because his mannerisms are similar to those of The Penguin on the original Batman TV Show. In those days, Velvet was vacillated between Mandark and Irving. Irving took over in Paris the day Velvet got tired of me asking him if he wanted any hot chocolate and said, "What's with you and the cocoa? You know it gives me indigestion." This was earlier on the very same trip.

We were in a little plane flying over the Himalayas on the way to Tiger Tops Jungle Lodge in Royal Chitwan National Park. It was kind of scary because the plane only had about five seats - slung canvas with seat belts from old cars - and the co-pilot was reading the paper. Plus there was no scheduled time to leave Kathmandu because you have to wait until the mist lifts from the mountains before you can fly to Meghauli so you are given a two or three hour time span in which you might leave. The flight was only about thirty minutes and we flew right by Mt. Everest.

Despite the panorama - or maybe because of it - Velvet was alarmed in the airplane. We were barely clearing the snow covered Himalayas, after all. That day, I told Velvet that we were on an adventure, and if you didn't think you were going to get killed Grave Yard Dead at least once every day, it was not an adventure.

There are some that think riding in a car that I'm driving is a similar experience. It's not that my driving is bad, it's just that I occasionally get distracted by the scenery or sometimes other drivers make me scream in fear. There are also the drivers that cause me to shout, "You dumb ass cock sucking mother fucker!"

So we're off on a college adventure.

It's a new dawn though because HCW and I had the first honest talk we ever had the other night. He may have thought we had a million honest conversations, but I was never that forthright before. I have come to understand that my abuse issues from the past were irrevocably tangled up in that relationship. Something about talking to him gives me insight into my distorted perceptions of emotional realities. It's very helpful - but it's intense. As a result of what I learned from that conversation, I was able to talk to my mom about some stuff I'd been dancing around but never really got into deeply.

We got into it deeply, I told her the truth about how I feel about myself as a result of those abuse issues, and she told me exactly what I needed to hear. And I needed to hear it from her - not from HCW even though for nearly a year, I've been trying to hear it from him. Maybe if I'd told talked to him when his heart was more open to me, I'd have heard it. But then I wouldn't have been able to talk to my mom. Then again, if he weren't available, we wouldn't have talked the other night and I wouldn't have initiated the conversation with my mom.

So we have more proof that whatever happens is supposed to happen. I'm not saying That's the Way God Planned It. I will say, however, that when people are driven by unconscious needs to say and do things that don't always seem logical. Reflecting on the results provides insights that feel a tad divine.

I'm grateful to have gotten to that place with my mom. She and I have worked together for years to make the relationship we both need. Lots of people never, ever get that opportunity.

At Tiger Tops, we were out in a field at dawn looking for tigers from the back of an elephant. The damp grass was so tall that it was ten feet over the elephant's head. We had been out for a while in this primordial quiet, the only sounds were the elephant's flapping ears and occasional snort, the swishing of the grass, maybe a bird. Once the mist started to lift and the sun could break through, the grass thinned into a clearing and we came across a spider web.

The spider had spun it so that this giant blade of grass bent into a huge arch. A perfect web, five or six feet across and just as high, glistening with dew in the sunrise. Buzz Kill had the camera, taking repeated pictures of a million different rhinoceros - or maybe it was the same damn rhino running around in circles getting his picture taken by Buzz Kill. Either way, I didn't have my own camera at the moment, but it didn't matter. I made that spider web into an endless memory.

That's how I feel about my life today.


Kitty said...

Fantastic post Trish - I'm glad you had the chat with your mum. Not enough of us have those chats with our mothers.

Hope the college adventure goes well.


Gail said...

Hi Trish

What an amazing read! combination of adventures, your jungle trip and your long deserved talk with your Mom. Both equally memorable and purposeful. I love how you went from one adventure to the other, ending with the awesome spider web. I really enjoy your writing and how it honors your lifes journey.

Love, Gail

Gail said...

I forgot to mention another equally memorable adventure, your college road trip with Velvet.
I remember going to NYU with my son. We had the best time. We talked on the train endlessly, and were both so excited and happy.

Love me

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