Friday, November 13, 2009

Existentialism and Grace, with soundtrack

I don't pretend to know what he's talking about in this song.
I just need to hear it every now and then, especially when I'm feeling hopeless and lost.

This one too:

The need to hear the song has got something to do with healing.
We all have wounds that need to heal.
Just when you think you're okay, you're lost and filled with hopelessness again. Old pain? New pain? New Pain that triggers Old Pain that triggers the plunge into despair? Who cares? It all sucks.

Sometimes when you reach out, you'll find somebody there to surprise you with understanding and wisdom.

Other times you reach out into nothing. The isolation is particularly crushing when you think there is a bridge between you and someone - actually, you know it and you can see it. You can stomp on it, hear it and feel it solid beneath your feet. But when you reach out to that someone, you're still alone, bewildered and afraid, crying in the dark, absolutely unlovable.

That's when I used to want to kill myself.
I'm pretty sure I didn't really want to die. I just wanted the hurt to go away and it seemed like dying was the only thing that would surely stop it. I already knew I could knock myself into a coma with drugs and that wouldn't work.

Eventually, I learned that it was safe to let the sadness take over. To sit with that permanent despair, alone except for my tears and tissues,and stay there long enough to see that my Self was waiting there. Maybe that's what it means to be beside yourself - conscious mind beside unconscious self.

Maybe you've got to be beside yourself before you find grace.
I'm thinking that red rain has something to do with grace.

Some people might say that I didn't find my Self, I found God, but I'm pretty sure that if there's a god s/he'd give us internal peace. It's not unlike pleasuring yourself which some people would call Godless or Sin - but they're the ones who depend on God the Patriarch. Since there's no way to prove or disprove god - and I'm sitting here in a state of grace, I can't see that the phenomenological distinction really matters.

Sometimes you have to quit analyzing shit out of existence.
You just have to be.

You can count on finding yourself in the same place again soon enough, but next time it won't be nearly as desolate. And you don't have to have mousy hair, either.


intelliwench said...

Nice post. Except what's wrong with mousy hair? Mice have fur that's rather nice, I think...

Music has always been my gospel.
Nature has always been my church.
And there's a whole bunch of meaningful ways to take communion!

Enjoy your weekend!

PENolan said...

Nothing inherently wrong with mousy hair. Could be I was too influenced by advertising and believed: If I only have one life to live, I'll live it as a blonde!
Although once you reach a certain age, it can be awfully hard to maintain that blonde without getting fried and frizzy - which is why I'm a redhead now.

PENolan said...

Back at cha on the weekend

Gail said...

Hi Trish-

I really loved "Red Rain".....very powerful sound, words, intent. ANd you know I know of old pain triggering new pain and vice versa and so forth and that I cycle through it every October and some times on a random day - no rhyme - no reason. I think it is okay to do that - I hear you and I feel you and I really love what intelliwence wrote -
"Music has always been my gospel.
Nature has always been my church.
And there's a whole bunch of meaningful ways to take communion!"

I am right there.

Love you girl -
am home all day

jadedj said...

"Sometimes you have to quit analyzing shit out of existence.
You just have to be."

I'm with you on that one Trish, and I don't think it needs elaboration.

dissed said...

"Sometimes you have to quit analyzing shit out of existence." Yep. If the bridge feels shaky you can try to mend it, try to build another or take a different road altogether. Weigh the options, then maybe flip a coin.

Sometimes you have to say, screw it, and work on the mousy hair. Today, it's all about me and the latex gloves.

Comrade Kevin said...

Yes, you're right. That's the whole point of faith to me. If you're looking for proof and answers everywhere, you'll never find a firm foundation.

Kitty said...

Peter Gabriel has always struck me as a very intelligent musician - a touch of philosopher about him. Of course it doesn't hurt that he's attractive too.

I never thought about being beside oneself before but it actually makes a lot of sense. Thank you for that.


PENolan said...

Dissed, today I said screw it and went to yoga class with Gigi. Mani/pedi followed. Have fun with your color.

Kitty! Glad you're around. Peter Gabriel certainly trumped Phil Collins if you ask me.

Gail - I know you do. that's why I'll make it up to CT soon. Maybe I can hang my own ornament on Hope.
Jaded - I hope you got your own mysteries sorted out
CK - you have been a man of good faith ever since we ran across each other.

Liberality said...

I liked all of your musical choices chica. I like your new picture too-very sexy momma!

PENolan said...

Thank you!
I figured it was time to stop acting like PENolan is my invisible friend and put my own self out there.

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