Thursday, July 14, 2011

Anticipation and Disappointment on Match dot Com

Looks like it's time for me to abandon the Match dot com project again.  Last time I hit the wall with Match, I wound up deleting 1200 profiles of men who were within 10 miles of my zip code who wouldn't date women their own age (976 Removed Profiles and a Shape Shifting Goat, Stonerdate 01.27.09).

This time, I've gotten an attitude about Old Farts who only want to date Slender and/or Athletic & Toned women.  I fully understand that we all have preferences - I just think that it's rude to advertise our prejudices in a forum like Match which stirs up everyone's insecurities in the first place.  Further, I fail to see what makes these arrogant bastards the prizes they apparently think they are.

It's wrong of me to jump to the conclusion that they are arrogant bastards.  Perhaps they are just stupid.  Either way, it's time for me to get off Match again.  Fortunately, I had the benefit of my earlier experience and recognized that there was no reason to pony up for more than three months since we all knew I'd be stomping off in a Match Dot Com Huff after 60 days.  Yesterday, I updated my profile so that the conclusion said:
RE: Body Type
In the past, when I've been on Match, I've gotten an attitude about men who are 55-ish but whose search parameters state they are not looking to date women who are over 50. I have come to see that age range is a lot like height, and many woman are not interested in dating short men which give guys who are under 5'7" an attitude too. Again, we all have our preferences and I suppose it's best to state them clearly in the beginning. To that end, when someone is only interested in dating Slender and/or Athletic and Toned women, I'm not interested in dating him. It's not like I'm a barking lard-ass over here, and when I see that someone only wants a thin woman, I figure they probably aren't interested in a smart one either - especially when he's posted a picture of himself in a flashy Viagra-mobile. Or at the wheel of a boat like he's going to sail up to the 79th Street Boat basin to pick up a 32 year-old date who he fully believes is out with his bald self without regard for his money. When I see that stuff on Match I begin to despair that there's nobody out there who I'll like better than BOB, the Battery Operated Boyfriend. My membership expires in a couple of weeks, and me and BOB are doing fine. He's not costing me money or sneering at my stretch marks - and he's certainly not married and looking for a salacious internet flirtation or some action on the side. I'm sure that there are plenty of dumb, superficial women on Match looking for walks on the beach with her soul mate the meal ticket who lives up to her lifelong romantic delusions. Maybe those broads will hook up with Mr. Viagra and everyone will be happy. I'll be sparking up a fat one over at Menopausal Stoners, making plans to storm the Bastille with my radical hippie buddies, if anyone is interested.
After a couple of hours, I got embarrassed and hid the profile.  Now I revised it so that it's not so harsh because (1) there are some nice fellows on Match who don't deserve to be hit with my bullshit even if they are so dull and cliche-driven that I won't talk to them, and (2) I'm corresponding with two men now and they don't need to see exactly how bitchy I can get at this juncture. At the moment, I'm thinking my profile will not see another dawn on Match dot com.

My dear friend and alleged daughter, Gigi the Pole Dancing Quadroon, suspects that I'm so bummed out about Abilene Steve that I'm hiding myself under the covers again.  I'll admit that his disappearance has hurt. I really did like him a lot and was hopeful.  If he turns up again, I'll be glad to see him.  So glad that I'll be sure to take some Simethicone before the date so I won't worry about Farting.  There's a bit of Reality about dating in the AARP zone.

Abilene Steve said that he had been intimidated about meeting me because I was so talented and filled with horse power.  Nobody ever said anything like that to me before.  At first, I thought it was High Time that a man thought of me like that, but now, I'm pretty sure that it's part of what makes me ultimately Undatable.  It's one of life's little ironies since the super in my new building felt compelled to tell me that I should be married.  I can only conclude that he took the liberty because when my father left for Texas, he shook Jacob the Super's hand and told him that he was in charge.  Jacob is a handsome Mexican man about my age and height who has just enough English to tell me I ought to be married.

I have a lingering feeling that most men come to the same conclusion about me and marriage.  You don't have to be around me long to know I am a proverbial Nice Girl, although anyone who enters the Triciasphere will see that I'm a nice girl in the same mold as Jacy Farrow in Last Picture Show

As I recall, Jacy wound up divorced in a big house in Dallas, and Cybil Shepherd went on to other roles. I expect I'll find myself in new roles soon enough. Right now, I see myself moving toward Merryweather, the fairy in Sleeping Beauty who adapted Maleficent's curse, or maybe the Fairy Godmother in Cinderella. Both Disney versions are pleasantly plump - and I suppose that term could be accurately applied to me.

If I get to choose my own archetype, however, I'd rather be Glinda the Good from The Wizard of Oz.

She's not particularly Slender, and I wouldn't be surprised to hear there was no boyfriend for her either - at least not on Match dot com.


Blogger Dr. MVM said...

Older guys can be real dicks. So it's a good t hing that in my mind I'm always in my mid 20's and rock hard.

July 14, 2011 at 10:48 AM  
Blogger PENolan said...

I love you,Dr.Monkey

July 14, 2011 at 11:07 AM  
Blogger Susan Tiner said...

I wish I lived near the Triciasphere :-)

I caught "at this juncture" and laughed out loud.

You are so funny. I'm sure I humiliated myself attracting and keeping my man long enough that love could take root and flourish. We were both 46 when we met and though we weren't equally blessed in the social skills department, I was in it in to win long-term and knew what I needed to do. No sassiness. And I was skinny and athletic. But hey, I get to be my sassy pleasantly plump self now!

When it comes to men, life isn't fair.


July 14, 2011 at 12:47 PM  
Blogger PENolan said...

I am happy to report that all is well with Abilene Steve. In an impulsive moment, I wrote him an email bidding a fond farewell - and he wrote back quickly to say he's suffering from a fit of Melancholy. Whew! Melancholy passes - much like gas.

I'm so relieved I can hardly stand it, but I'm still not going back on Match dot com.

July 14, 2011 at 1:11 PM  
Blogger Susan Tiner said... is kind of cesspool.

I'm so glad to hear Abilene Steve is just a bit under the weather. It's a good sign that he wrote back quickly.

Guys are kind of self-absorbed/self-interested in the beginning of relationships, and they take longer to fall in love. But, once bonded, they're more loyal than women, in my experience. If you can cut a little slack in the beginning it might help. Not to sound like a mother hen or anything :-)

July 14, 2011 at 1:29 PM  
Blogger PENolan said...

Susan, I could use a mother hen ;)
Actually, I've got a such a good feeling about this man that I can give him any amount of slack and turn my attention back to The Revolution and my new apartment.

I'm just about ready to post some photos this place is turning out so cute.

July 14, 2011 at 1:43 PM  
Blogger Leslie Parsley said...

I dunno, my friend. I'd be a little careful of guys who get so melancholy they can't even send a brief note. That would send a few negatives to me. But then I'm the most cynical of the lot here.

I was married to a guy 21 years older than me. And you're right, what the hell do these old farts think they have to offer younger women besides saggy dicks and enormous egoes? Actually, I'm sort of joking - but just sort of.

July 14, 2011 at 1:46 PM  
Blogger PENolan said...

Leslie - I would agree about the note thing except that we did email briefly when I was setting up to do my Worldwide Hippies thing last weekend, and he was very helpful. It's just that I initiated the exchange which, to me, means it doesn't count. Besides, lots of people isolate themselves and withdraw when they're Depressed. He turned 65 last week. The good news is that he's not a bit saggy. If he were 20 years younger, I'd still be impressed which probably explains why I'm mooning over the man.

July 14, 2011 at 2:02 PM  
Anonymous Anne said...

No one denies the anguish of divorce at midlife, but the online dating that follows is the greatest shock of all! That's why I've written "Matchless: Searching for Love Online." "Matchless" is a humorous take on the "life lessons" one learns dating after 50. I'd like to offer you a free e-copy to download if you'll review it. Go to
and enter the discount code GM85N. Readers may download a free copy using the same code before August 11, 2011. Or enter code AHKWJ964 for a $2.00 discount on the paperback at Girlfriends, you are not crazy--it's an alien world. Why date alone when you can have "Matchless" at your side?

July 14, 2011 at 7:29 PM  
Anonymous Jennifer said...

Oh my word, I'm laughing and crying. Some things are the same all over.

I LIKE men who are older than me. But I draw the line at same age as my dad. Anyway, as you say, half of them are looking for slender and athletic.

Good luck with that, Sugar Daddy.

And do you suppose there are lonely women who who really respond to the fake ones, with photos nicked from wallets in department stores and canned messages about being a god fearing man who is devoted to his woman?

Let me up, I've had enough.

July 15, 2011 at 7:50 PM  
Blogger Courtney said...

I feel compelled to tell you that I like your revised dating profile. I think there's no need to temper the discontent; any man worth his weight should know how dumb most men are and should not be offended that you're offended by their dumbness.

Also, I love the view from your new place! What a lovely new chapter of your life!!

July 15, 2011 at 7:52 PM  
Blogger PENolan said...

Courtney - it's a whole new book! And as for match, I think I'll work up a couple of good paragraphs in a similar vein and leave them there for eternity. You never know, somebody might find his way over here.

Jenn, this round it was a bunch of alleged widowers who I could swear used English as a third or fourth language. I'm pretty sure ShataKing's profile pic was from a golf catalog . . . Sheesh. I wonder what the men have to put up with?

Anne, Thanks for letting us know. Good luck with your book!

July 15, 2011 at 10:18 PM  
Blogger Cali said...

Men are, for the greatly vast majority, disgusting pigs. I've read thousands of profiles like the ones you've described. Worse yet, somehow, is that they all want to "keep it light," which is man-code for "no strings attached." (They seem to have caught on that NSA is a big, fat turnoff for women.) In other words, "You have no claim on me, whatsoever, and I will leave you at the drop of a hat if I even THINK I have a chance at someone who is younger, prettier, thinner, richer or otherwise more "in demand" than you are. And you know what? About four years ago I just flat gave up.

That decision was the best decision I've ever made! I've been so much happier since I've decided to not take men's crap anymore, it's absolutely UNREAL. Am I sometimes sad that I will never have a mate? Yes, sometimes. Am I sad that my financial future is so murky? Of course, but as a single mother and former (now disabled) chef, that was my lot in life-- I was destined to be poor. Are those kinds of sadness, or perhaps regret, enough to make me change my mind and start looking again? Not just no, but aw HELL NO!!! I would no more put up with some man's bullshit and emotional blackmail again than sit here and peel my skin off with pliers!

Sorry about the rant, but I'm feeling especially empowered tonight. I just told the last man on the periphery (and the love of my life for nearly 25 years) to stuff it because I'm tired of calling him once or twice a week and only ever talking to the damn voice mail. He comes to visit four or five times a week, or more, but rarely returns my calls. I told him when he came back around last year that I had written men off and wasn't up for playing any kind of head games ever again. It's just as well, he'd never commit anyway. After all, I'm not thin enough, pretty enough and don't have enough money to make commitment worth his while. Que serra!

July 16, 2011 at 2:21 AM  
Blogger PENolan said...

Thanks, Cali.
Looks like I'm turning that corner myself right now. The whole thing is very disheartening at the moment, but like Neal Young says, "It's only castles burning . . . "

July 16, 2011 at 6:41 AM  

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