Thursday, August 4, 2011

In Which Velvet gets Conked on the Head

My ass is dragging today.  I'm pretty sure it's all because of the inflammation detox diet I started last weekend, under the guidance of my nutritionist, to help with my arthritis.  I do think it's helping even though I've been fatigued, foggy and somewhat fragile in the afternoons, but my mother says the afternoon piece is the result of no caffeine. I felt pretty good yesterday, though, and was very nearly celebrating getting over the detox hump when I found out that Velvet got mugged on the way to work.  Velvet would argue with the term "mugged," but when somebody in the South Bronx conks your kid on the head and tries to swipe his headphones, I think the term applies.

Velvet believes the two teenagers were on their way to summer school at the High School near the park where Velvet is a day camp counselor.  They didn't get his headphones, though, which is a good thing since Velvet thinks those headphones are balling.  They didn't get his sunglasses either - which makes me suspect they weren't nearly as interested in his possessions as they were in conking a skinny, white college kid with big red headphones on the head.  Fuck the Ray Bands.  I agree with Velvet, though, that they were probably headed to summer school because professional thugs generally aren't awake and on the job before 9:00 in the morning.

From what I've heard so far, two young black fellows conked Velvet on the head just as he was going into the park on the way to work.  They must have come up from behind, but I haven't questioned Velvet thoroughly about this event since he spent a lot of time with Buzz Kill yesterday going to the doctor.  We really have to get him a new doctor because he's much too old to go to the pediatrician, but that's just one more thing we haven't gotten around to doing.  Anyway, Velvet fell and skinned his knee when they conked him, but he got right up and started cussing and hollering.  Velvet quickly assessed the situation and determined that they could kick his ass even though they were younger, ran into the park and shouted, "I know the Ranger, Motherfuckers!"  The boys ran off - maybe to school - the witnesses who had gathered went about their business, and Velvet went to work as usual because Shit Happens.

Velvet did take time to mention the incident to his supervisor, and the next thing you know the Park Ranger in charge of their program loaded Velvet into the cool Ranger Vehicle and took him straight to the police station to file a report.  It didn't take very long since park rangers get to go straight to the head of the line at the police station.  Professional Courtesy, I guess.  It's kind of the same with Right To Carry permits because any time a cop has stopped my dad for something he's done while driving, the cop sees Dad's Right to Carry permit, asks him if he's carrying, and lets him go.  One time the cops in Texas were writing all kinds of people tickets for driving across the grass to get off the freeway and onto the feeder road, but one look at the permit and Dad was free to travel.

The Ranger then drove Velvet to Vagina Denta and Buzz Kill's house so he could go to the doctor.  If he weren't able to get an appointment, the Ranger would have taken Velvet to the Emergency Room and charged the whole thing to Workman's Comp.  Buzz Kill, wisely in my view, declined the workman's comp offer because Velvet had a claim last summer when he was a bus boy and slipped on the stairs to the basement in the restaurant.  We can't have some random insurance company declaring that Velvet is an employment risk.  Besides even though his health insurance is very reasonably priced, it's still $700 a year, so I like to use it as much as possible.  The pediatrician examined the boy and wrote a note saying that it was cool for him to return to work without restrictions.

Overall, the Ranger was very helpful.  I'm positive she was well aware that skinny white college boys tend to have parents that sue the city when their kids get mugged on city property on the way to work.  Nevertheless, she was proactive, responsible and efficient.

I'm not sure when Cupcake arrived on the scene, but once they were done at the doctor's office, Buzz Kill took Velvet and Cupcake out for good pizza.  Then Velvet put Cupcake on the bus back to her house and came on home.  He was so tired that I didn't want to ask many questions, especially since I knew that he'd been answering questions for the police, the pediatrician and Buzz Kill.

Velvet's ass was dragging this morning, too, but he made it out the door on time - wearing the tiny little earbuds Buzz Kill got him yesterday afternoon.  Velvet grumbled a bit about the earbuds, saying they were goofy and that his father would never know if he continued to wear his big, red headphones, but he complied. I'm taking that as another sign that the man-child has matured this year.


Lisa said...

I'm very glad he's okay. Thank goodness for those government services we're all supposed to be hating on.

Now I'm curious about your detox program.Lately I'm suffering something wicked with arthritis.

PENolan said...

I will send you the pdf pamphlet I got from the nutritionist. It goes with some product that we've ignored completely. The main thing is the chart of allowed and not allowed foods and the grocery list.

This month, I'm off Gluten, Sugar, Corn, Red Meat, Alcohol (bummer), Caffeine, artificial sweeteners, chocolate (bummer), Dairy, Soy and I guess that's about it.

I'm supposed to eat 1/2 an avocado daily and fish three times per week. That's not in the pamphlet.

Next month, we'll start re-introducing foods to determine if I have a reaction. The thinking is that certain foods contribute to inflammation. In addition, toxins can build up in your joints in much the same was as they collect in your fat cells.

It's really easy. There's plenty to eat and I've already lost three pounds. Huzzah!

Dusty,Hells most vocal Bitch said...

Good Gawd, I am glad they didn't rough him up..and I hope you get over the hump soon sweetie. Like you said..professional criminals don't get up that early.

Cali said...

I, too, am very glad Velvet is OK and wasn't seriously beaten or robbed! I hope they find the "kids" responsible and give them plenty of time in juvie to think about what they've done.

Interestingly enough the word verification has to do with the "...skinny white college boys tend to have parents that sue the city when their kids get mugged on city property..." portion of today's entry, and I chuckled when I saw it: sueall.

Susan Tiner said...

I'm Velvet's OK.

Susan Tiner said...

Commenting madness! I meant to say I'm glad Velvet's OK. xoxo

PENolan said...

Thank you, friends. I'll admit that I've been hovering over him a little bit. It's scary, and I'm anticipating the loss when he goes back to school.

I couldn't be more proud of him, and I'm delighted he got back in school, but I'll miss having him around.

Vancouver Voyeur said...

I'm so glad he's okay and that this wasn't worse. Glad maturity has found him as well too. So wish it would find mine.

Mr. Charleston said...

You have to give him credit for giving them a good tongue lashing. Maybe he should carry a little pepper spray in case they show up again.

Detox is hard. Good luck.

PENolan said...

Mr. C, I'm happy to say the man-child will be safely back in Syracuse in a couple of weeks. But I do think he managed himself and the situation as well as anyone could have.

V.V., maybe this year . . .

Jennifer said...

Really glad to hear he's okay. There is nothing worse than any sort of bad thing happening to a "child" - even when the child is showing all evidence of being an adult.

And hoping the detox process works. A lot (most? all?) of those things we should all eliminate from our diets - or at least limit.

kenne said...

From WORLDWIDE HIPPIES to Menopausal Stoners - i like this slice of life tale you regale us w/.

i got mugged once by 2 tweens while grownups watched from across the street. One of them hit me on the head w/ a big metal something, but he musta pulled the hit, cuz he didn't hurt me, which is lucky cuz if he had had the heart he could have bashed my brains in. I ended up giving them 2 dollars. all on the very day i came back to SF to live w/ a lover who wanted to give kenne another go. so long ago.

Thanks for being you. it's great.

PENolan said...

Jennifer, If I make it through brunch tomorrow without a glass of sparkling rose, it's going to be a miracle. Frankly, I'm already thinking a couple of weeks without wine is enough.

Well, Hello, Kenne! I'm glad you followed the links over here. Who knows? We may get that Menopausal Stoner Militia together, after all.

dissed said...

Good on Velvet for knowing when it's smarter to just run for it. Glad he's okay.

No caffeine? None? OMG OMG.

PENolan said...

dissed, the first four or five days were BRUTAL - but I'm okay now and may never go back to drinking coffee. I might even get my teeth whitened.

Jaliya said...

Oh, hon xoxo

Love to you and Velvet.

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