Thursday, November 26, 2009

Exoskeletons and Ear Pollution

Thanksgiving Day has never been one of my favorite holidays since I associate it with hassle. Of course, everything is what you make of it, so you can arrange a pleasant holiday for yourself - and others if you choose to include them.

My thinking about holidays is not dissimilar to the Jehovah's Witnesses. Whatever you're celebrating is not restricted to an artificially imposed calendar date. Actually, I don't know much about Jehovah's Witnesses and I'm not going to make the effort to learn about their beliefs because, frankly, I don't care. The point is that we should be thankful for all kinds of shit all the time. Anniversaries and Birthdays are tied to specific dates, but the reasons we celebrate them are not. I figure if you feel like throwing a party there is no reason to wait for the calendar to tell you to have one. If you don't, you shouldn't go through the motions just because everyone else is.

I would feel this way even if I had gotten enough sleep.

Velvet being home from college is much the same as when he was home before - further illustrating that there's no need to fret over an empty nest. Your daily activities and routines change when distance becomes part of the package, but that's about it. I'm pretty sure if I had to keep up this routine all year long for a whole other year, I'd collapse.

It's great to see all the kids again, even Cupcake who remains as aimless as ever (Cupcake and The Prom Stonerdate 05.15.09). I could have gone my whole life without the information that Velvet is currently engaged in selling hash for Mike The Russian. It's not a permanent arrangement, and the quantity is very small, but I wish to high hell I did not have this information.

I probably could have done without the information that he imagined himself turning into a dragon fly as he went to bed after an all-night adventure involving Mushrooms. Before Velvet went away to Tree Hugger University, I didn't give much thought to the types of substances that would be popular at the parties. Upon reflection, it seems inevitable that a bunch of ecologically inclined scientific types - particularly botanists - attending a college that describes itself as Hippilicious (a term I learned from the Senior Counselor at the Academic Success Center of Tree Hugger University) would lead straight to Mushrooms.

I'm not philosophically opposed to Mushrooms since they are organic, after all. I would prefer that he participate in All Night Adventures after exams, but he seems to have sorted out that particular detail.

The trouble is that when he was talking about turning himself into a dragonfly, he got enthusiastic about his skeleton turning into the bug's skeleton. I was compelled to point out that dragonflies have no skeletons. He instantly corrected my mistake by saying they have Exoskeletons. Their skeletons are on the outside. I explained that I knew all that - but they don't have bones. He maintains that an exoskeleton IS bones. I tried to tell him that an exoskeleton is simply a crunchy coating like on M&Ms at which point I was told to keep studying philosophy because I suck as a scientist. The coating on M&Ms is not a bit like an exoskeleton.

It's a good thing I got the hang of the eternal game of You Can't Win that children love to play with their parents long ago and already know that everything I say is wrong.

We started in on another round of You Can't Win at about 1:00 am when I had to get out of bed to let in one of his friends. I was happy to see her, actually. She's the one who needed a lesson in making herself throw up last year when she tried to drink as much as some of the boys. Sensible, attractive, stylish, bright young woman who is clearly not bulimic or else she would have already been proficient at barfing.

I just couldn't understand why Velvet had gone back out on the terrace with his friends when I had just told him that the doorman rang to say Isabelle was on her way up. He not only went out there, but he stayed out there so long he didn't hear the poor girl pounding away on the front door even though I'm confident all the neighbors heard distinctly.

Maybe he's gone deaf from the dang headphones he just got which can double as speakers. The brand name is Ear Pollution, and he used his emergency funds to order a pair exactly like this from Amazon:

Pretty Fly for a White Guy

In reality, you can never hear anyone at the door when you're out on the terrace, so that's no indication that he's deaf. It's evidence that he's still a dumb ass. I'm pretty sure these flashy ear phones are evidence that he's a dumb ass too. It's difficult to believe that the RA in his dorm says people are complaining about the music in his room when he's using a headset for speakers, but that's what he tells me.

What the hell do I know? I just know he thinks he needs a sound board for Christmas and his sister the pole dancer has offered to arrange an internship for him with some hipster DJ sound engineer. She's babysitting at this very moment. A celebrity mom whose children attend the school where Gigi teaches gave her regular nanny the weekend off, so Gigi has the children this morning at the Macy's Parade. They have tickets somewhere conspicuous in the stands. Public Relations people like celebrities in the audience at televised events such as The Macy's Parade. They will have Gigi, today, though, in addition to the celebrity ex-boyfriend who fathered the celebrity mom's first child. I believe the second child was adopted from war torn Africa after the Celebrity Couple were on the skids. The bio-dad is with his own child for the parade, and Gigi is in charge of the sib. The four of them will be picturesque since Gigi has the striking mixed race look of a J Crew model. There is sure to be some speculation on their relationship, and Gigi enjoys that sort of thing.


Maureen said...

Thanks so much for giving me so many laughs. Fabulous post!
Best wishes

Gail said...


I laughed out loud too. :-) And I am so reminded of chats with Dlan on holiday visits and all the same worries. Exoskeleton of a dragonfly is a new one. Wow!!

I love your wisdom.

Love Gail

Vancouver Voyeur said...

Wow, is this what I have to look forward to in a year or so when my last one leaves for college? The first one came home at 6:30 a.m. this morning for the Black Friday sales. I purposely went back to sleep at 6 because she has never been on time a day in her life. Much to my surprise, and just because I was tired - I'm sure, she walked in the door at 6:27 a.m. raring to go! My son has chosen to ignore me for the weekend while he's with the spin doctor. Oh yeah, something else fun going on. Honorable son did something dishonorable and now we're all in counseling, the kid, me and the spin doctor. It's supposed to be family counseling, so as we're walking out, Spin Dr. shuts the door behind us and corners the good doctor to talk to him about some things he doesn't want the kid and I to hear. Typical.

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